Memories and Life Stories

National School Christian Fellowship Leaders Camp 2011

2011-12-01T12:23:00.007+08:00

Wow. I haven't update my blog for quite some time. Oh well. Never mind. I am doing it now. I should have wrote about this camp a few days earlier. But I was so busy studying for my driving test part 1 I forgot all about this. Anyways, I shouldn't be going for this camp in the first place. Technically speaking, I am suppose to be sitting for SPM this year. But because I am in a Chinese private school, I have a choice. And I choose not to take. Not because I am lazy or anything. I really tried taking it last year. But I found out I couldn't cope. So I quit.

So, I went this year, forced by my other 3 buddies/student advisers. I was suppose to be leading and taking care a bunch of kids from CF. Leaders and potential leaders. But turns out they got some other plan or something and couldn't make it. So I ended up with another girl named Annabella. We are pretty close and all and it's her first time going to such a big and long camp. She was a little nervous and all. But in the end, she enjoyed herself and even told me to bring her and the others back next year.

As usual, camp this year was awesome. We even got a camp t-shirt. Which was really cool. It was a little quiet for me because my other 3 buddies have to sit for SPM. But it was okay and I managed to make some new friends. It's really tough for me to make new friends because I have this weird thing about not wanting and liking to speak to people I don't know. So for the past 2 years, all the new friends that I know was actually my best buddy, Abi's new friends. She is more outgoing than me. But this year, I have to take care of myself and I managed to do it! 3 cheers for me! *laugh out loud*

Our speaker, Marianne with my friend, Annabella and me.

This year, our theme is Ready, Set, Go. We studied from the book of Philippians. Our theme speaker, Marianne, was really awesome. She reminded us what we as Christians should be doing for God and not fool around. We should be like Paul, always running for the Gospel and doing everything to share the Gospel with other people. This is what God wants us to do. We should forget the past and race ahead. Her talks are like a big wake up call for me. It's like God is take the bible and whacking me on the head to wake me up. Yes, I have been drifting and asleep for too long. It is time I do the only thing God wants me to do as His child and servant.

There are other various workshops. It was really fun and cool, learning about my spiritual gifts and personality. Now I finally understand why sometimes I am like this and sometimes I am like that. I also learn how to solve problems and plan program in my CF. Other than that, there is a worship workshop by a guy name Patrick Leong and another workshop on how to share my personal testimony and the Gospel. There is this workshop on team building. After that, we have to work together to prepare lunch for the whole camp. I did that last year and it was still fun.

Oh yes. One workshop is about teaching as a vocation. I have been thinking about that since I went for this camp 2 years back. Every year, they have this workshop. I really do consider this. But am I suitable for this job? Me, an impatient, hot-tempered person, being a teacher. I cannot imagine. But the odd thing is, most of my family members are in the education world. My dad is a technical trainer, my mom is a college lecturer, my eldest sister is a part time piano teacher and my aunt is a principle of a kindergarten. Will I also end up in the education world? I will have to ask God and see what is His plans for me.

Did I miss anything out? I guess not. We had a 5 hour fasting, prayer and solitude. This is the part I love best throughout the camp. It has always been my favorite thing for the past 2 years. I love being alone with God. I enjoy the solitude and silence. This may sound weird but I really love it. Being alone with God is the best thing ever. I take the time to reflect on my life and everything. I prayed for anything that comes through my mind. Most of the time I just take the time to reflect and talk to God. It's really awesome.

I made some new friends. But there is this one particular girl in my group that I want to mention here. Her name is Samantha Koh. Her mom passed away of cancer when she was younger. She talked a bit about her family background and everything. From what she said, I can see she had a tough life and is still struggling with life. I feel so sorry for her but at the same time, I admire her for being strong and brave. I feel so bad for always grumbling about my life and everything when I am so blessed with everything. She is really pretty and a great person.

There is this guy Andrew who is a real banana. He is very cute, though. Very funny and friendly. Another group mate Teoh Wee Ren is really tall and very funny. Zane is sweet and awesome. Tze Kwang the friendly giant is, well, friendly and very humorous too. There are others that I will not mention as it will take a lot of time but I will always remember them.

Camp is really awesome and I want to go back again next year. My last year as a camper. Then, I hope God will let me be one of the officers there. I really want to go back and help out. This is a really awesome camp and I am really glad my buddies forced me to go this year. Wouldn't miss it for anything in the world.

Planetshakers.

2011-10-30T17:52:00.003+08:00

I will remember that night forever. The one and only Planetshakers came to Malaysia!! I love, love, love, LOVE them!! Now, my next target is Hillsong United concert. I had so much fun and it was so awesome!! The experience was priceless. It was worth the RM 30 and all the squeezing and pushing. Usually, for a weird person like me, I won't go to places that have a lot of people and need to squeeze and push. This is an exception and I don't regret it.

The most awesome thing is I saw the lead singer and guitarist of Planetshakers, Henry Seeley!!! I really admire him and love him. Though previously I keep saying I want to take a photo with him, I didn't get to do it. Too bad. Never mind. I believe I will have chance to do that in the future. He is an awesome singer and guitarist. The support guitarist and drummer are so handsome and cute. I made sure my friend took lots of photos of them. Especially Henry. And she did!! I am so going to keep those photos and treasure them.

Too bad my mother need to work today. Or else I will be able to stay until the end. But never mind. At least I get to stay for most of it. Though I missed the part where Henry played the drum and the drummer rap, I still get to be there for most of it. Next time, when Planetshakers come, I will make sure I stay until the very end. You know why I can be so sure of that? Because I will be able to drive myself then. Being able to drive equals to freedom and total control of your time.

It was really fun and cool. The worship was really great and I really enjoyed myself. I am also very glad that I am able to share this awesome moment with my close, best friends who also are worshipers themselves. We all were able to understand everything and put ourselves into the worship so easily. I thank God that He let me met this pastor who works at the church that organized this concert. I was able to easily get the concert tickets. I guess God knows how much I wanted to go to a Planetshakers concert. Thank you, my Lord.

Their pastor, Pastor Matt Felder, was really humorous and great. Though I have to give a 110% of attention when he speaks, it was still really enjoyable. He speaks very fast and he has a very strong western accent. That's why I have to listen very closely and carefully to catch every word he says. Or else I will be lost. He is very good at mimicking Donal Duck's voice. He is also very awesome and cool. He can speaks quite good Chinese and mimicked the Indian slang quite well. He can even speak a little Malay! It was so cool.

The music and everything was so loud but really awesome. My friends and I managed to grab front row sits even though it was at the side. We were able to run to the front of the stage and praise God. When we came out of the hall, my ears was really half deaf already. When people talked to me, it's like they are talking so soft and I was shouting at them. Thank God my ears went back to normal after a good night's rest.

All I can say is, this concert was really awesome. But the most awesome of all is God Himself. I thank God every night that He has chosen me and love me so much. People, next time Planetshakers come, you really have to go. It's really a very different experience.

Healing.

2011-10-04T17:24:00.003+08:00

Thing really didn't ended the way I thought it would. Just when I thought it had ended, actually, it hasn't. I will not write about what happened. Summary of all, I cried again. After that, I told myself to just let go and let God do the work. I have done my part by apologizing and extending my friendship. I never wanted him to find out. But he did. I never thought he would see my facebook status and made the connection. I will forever be sorry for hurting him. If I can just turn back the clock, I will try even harder to conceal everything. I really rather hurt myself a thousand times more than hurt him one tiny bit. But then, everything is over now. It's his choice whether he wants to continue to friends or not. I am fine with anything.

I am fine now. Really. After seeking my spiritual mother which is my piano teacher's advice and help, I am finally standing up and going on the road to recovery. It isn't easy, judging by my past incidents. But I believe with God's help, I will be better and fully recovered soon. Right now, I just want to repair my relationship with God and be closer to God. I want to seek His kingdom before seeking my own things. I want to put God in the first place.

I have been foolish and keep falling into problems related to BGR (Boy-Girl Relationship). So, I have promised to God that I will let everything go and commit everything unto His mighty hands. I believe He has everything planned out for me and I won't need to worry one tiny bit at all. I promised to wait upon Him and won't go and find that Mr. Perfect myself. Every time, the guy that I find is just not really a Mr. Perfect. The Mr. Perfect He finds for me will be really perfect for me. *Laugh out loud*

So now, I am going to concentrate on my studies, music and, of course, God. I just want to put all my burdens at His feet and take the burdens He has prepared for me as His burdens are lighter and easier to carry. I just want to serve Him and seek His kingdom and justice. He will take care of the rest for me. He is my comforter and healer as well as my closest friend and father. I love Him more than anything else in the world. *Smile*

For earth hath no sorrows heaven cannot heal. I will forever remember this. The healing from heaven really does heals you from the inside out. Through prayer, I found this special comfort and healing from God. Thank you, my Lord. Amen.

Shattered again

2011-09-30T21:58:00.002+08:00

I really wouldn't want to remember this day. Or should I say, yesterday. Why? Cause my fragile little heart was shattered and broken again. This is entirely my fault. I am foolish. I over thought and overacted. But that still doesn't stop me from being sad and hurt. Foolishly hurt and betrayed. It's really stupid. I still can't believe I am so stupid, foolish and naive.

Yes, I fell for that guy from camp. The only thing he did wrong was he gave me the wrong impression and hope. He was caring, yes, but for a girl, it's a little too over the line. His texts content was on the friend side, yes, but for a girl, it brought wrong impression. He was too caring for a friend. We can actually text up to 60 to 70 plus texts a day. We were really close and naturally, I fell for him.

Suddenly, he disappeared. I was puzzled. A few days later, he told me his phone was out of credit. Then, he disappeared again. A few days later, he told me again his phone was out of credit. I was really puzzled. What was he doing to make his phone keep out of credit. He also said he was busy. He used to be able to text me even if he was studying. I don't get it. I knew something was wrong. Finally, I got the courage to ask him why did he disappeared. That was yesterday.

Apparently, he likes another girl. I was shattered and broken instantly. My first thought was, how can he be so cruel. It's like I am a spare tyre or something. His exact words was, XX is back. A girl that I likes. Being busy. I couldn't believe and accept it. But then, he didn't say he likes me or anything. So, I am wrong too. But I just couldn't understand why he was so caring when he actually likes another girl. Well, it could be friendly caring but it's really a little too over the line. I cried myself to sleep. Again.

I don't blame him. I don't hate him. I am not angry at him. I just feel disappointed, sad, betrayed, hurt and foolish. I guess we were never meant to be. I just 自做多情, that's all. It's my fault. The guys that I like never likes me back. The guys that I don't like likes me like mad. How ironic. For now, I just want to get over this as soon as possible and focus on my studies. I want to forget about this fast and start over again. I will never ever foolishly give my heart out to a guy until I am sure he is the one. I learned my lesson well this time. Never again. I cannot take it any longer. God, please help me.

Insecured.

2011-09-19T21:52:00.002+08:00

I felt down and sad today. How I wish I can turn back the clock. I knew things will happen this way. But I thought I am strong enough to deal with it. I am wrong, as usual. If only I can see the future, I wouldn't have let it go on. I can feel it coming. Next, I will be so hurt. So badly hurt until I cannot stand it anymore. Why, oh why, can't I wait upon the Lord? Why must I be like that? In the end, I will only get hurt again. Once, twice, and I still make the same stupid mistakes. All the previous lessons are just a waste. How many more heartbreaks can I endure? Hurt and tears. Shattered pieces of my fragile heart.

To me, I feel that the root of the problem is insecurity. I don't feel safe. I may look strong and steady on the outside, but on the inside, I am actually a very fragile person, easily hurt and broken. My poor heart had endure don't know how many cuts and wounds. It shattered and broken easily. I talked to my piano teacher about this. She agrees with me. Insecurity. That's the problem.

From young, I am not very close with my father. To tell you the truth, I don't even remember the last time my father hug me close. Previously, I mention that a guy's hug is different. It really is. When a guy hug me, I felt so safe and secured. It's like I found my pillar of strength, safety and security. My piano teacher thinks I am always like this is because I do not have a good relationship with my father. This is why I feel so insecure.

All I ever want is to feel safe. I just want someone to be beside me, shielding me from danger and be my pillar of strength and safety. I want security. Sometimes, I feel so tired of feeling insecure. Sometimes, I just wish there is someone here stop this. Sometimes, I wish there is a pair of strong arms hugging me tight and a deep strong voice telling me everything is alright and I am safe. Sometimes, I wish there is a strong shoulder to lean on to and to cry on.

But I know my Father in heaven is my pillar of strength and safety. He is my security. It's just that, sometimes, I wish I can see Him and actually feel Him wrap His arms around me. But still, I believe He is always with me. Listening to me and holding on to me. He never lets me go and He doesn't give up on me. I will forever hold on to Him and His promises. I have got to pray hard about this matter. Only He holds the answer to all my questions.

911

2011-09-12T11:00:00.002+08:00

I was too busy updating in the wee hours this morning that I forgot all about 911. 10 years. I was just 7 years old. I often wonder why this kind of thing happens. Why do the terrorist have to be terrorist? Why do they have to do this kind of things? Can't they just live in peace? Do they hate peace so much? Why do they have to bring terror and sadness and heartache to the people? I just don't understand.

As I am listening to the song Healer by Hillsong, I pray for the victims of 911 and their families. I pray that God will heal their broken hearts. Even though I don't live in America, I feel sad for them. Imagine having your loved one being grab away from you forever. It's painful.

I can imagine those kids that lost a father or a mother or both in that incident. How old are they at that time? Their parent or parents being taken away from them forever. Couldn't grow up with their parent or parents. This must be a particularly hard time for them. I can feel how they feel. So sad, lost and lonely.

There they are mourning their lost on their parent or parents, here I am lamenting and grumbling about my parents. I am so lucky to have both my parents with me while grow up. Though they may not be the perfect parents, but they are here. Sometimes they may not take notice of me, but they are here. Though I sometimes don't see them for a few days a week, but they still come back and they are here. Those kids. Their parent or parents are never coming back. I feel so bad and guilty.

Lord, do forgive me for not appreciating the things I have. I pray for the victims of 911 and their families. Please comfort the families that had lost a loved one. They need it a lot. I believe You are all our healer and nothing is impossible in You. Do take care of the kids that lost their parent or parents in that incident. Lord, I love you. Thank you for everything. Amen.

Update and random thoughts.

2011-09-12T00:13:00.003+08:00

It's been a really long time since I wrote a post. Sorry. Been very busy trying to sort out my messy life. I can say I am quite okay now. Things are starting to look better now. That's because I recommit my life to God. I really thank God for not giving up on me. He really loves me so much. I won't be able to go through the dark time without His help. I thank God He reach out to me just when I have almost given up hope.

Let's see. What have I been up to until now. I went to a conference during June. That's when I was set free. Well, not exactly. But I got healed that day. After that, step by step, I walked out of that prison cell that I was locked up in. I thank God everyday that I am free. Now, I just want to be with God every single moment of my life. He is the most awesome Father.

A pastor said to me, you are chosen by God. For what I don't know. But you are special. He is going to use you greatly in the future. And because of that, Satan is scared. Satan wants to crush you and make you die so that you cannot fullfill what God wants you to do. Be strong. Trust in the Lord. Today, God wants to set you free. You are locked up in a prison cell. You try shaking the door to get out. But you can't. Today, God is going to break the chains that tied you up and open the door to set you free. I can see you are wearing an old, dirty robe. Now, I am seeing Jesus taking it off and putting a new one in place. It is so white, pure and clean. Right now, Jesus is holding you in His arms. He loves you so much. Music flows in you. And when you sing and plays any music instrument, God is very happy. You are the heart of worship. Worship is in you. God sees a willing heart to serve Him. And He is very pleased. You are the chosen one. Today, you are healed and set free. Now, trust in the Lord and hold on tightly to Him. He will lead you and guide you.

I was very shocked by what the pastor said to me. Never in my life have I imagine I am so special to God. Now, I continue to pray and try to find out what God has planned for me. I am so very curious about my future. But I know He won't show it to me until the time is right. So, I will just have to learn to be patient and wait for Him.

Then, in August, we have a CF camp. The very first one. Though there isn't a lot of people going, but it was great. God's love pour down upon us so greatly that the campers started hugging everyone. It was so touching and amusing all at the same time. I thank God that He have been good to us. Now, CF is revived by God's love. I pray that the fire of revival will not die down. Instead, it can spread throughout the whole school and even the 3 Malay schools nearby. Then, te 3 other Chinese independent schools in Klang. I believe now is the time for God's work to start in our school. Go, CF!! Let's do it to glorify our God!!

I had a new rabbit!! Her name is Fluffy. She was given to us by a church member. It was a week after Lucky died. I guess God saw how upset I am and gave me a new one. For free!! It's a branded rabbit. It's called Holland Lop Rabbit. It's ears doesn't stands up like most rabbits do. Her ears are down. Some people thought it was a dog. A puppy. But, no. It's my rabbit.

There is this guy. I know him at camp. He is a nice guy. We get to know each other really well. He is really awesome, caring. Today, I stalked his Facebook profile page. I saw a video he made. About he and his ex. I have to admit, I was a little bit sad and, well, jealous? I don't know. All the emotions mixed up together. That got me started to wonder. Have I fallen for a guy again? A guy that I don't really even know? I am so confused. I got over the other one just some time ago. Just when I am enjoying my free "single" status, now another one? Emotions can play tricks on you. All I want now is to wait upon the Lord for guidance. I don't want to get hurt again like last time. He is just a friend that is very kind and caring. I should concentrate on my studies and not think about this kind of things. But it's just that sometimes, when you get so lonely and uncared for, you just wish to have someone beside you looking after you. No. I have to stay strong and independent.

My eldest sister went for university. So, I am kind of like the only kid at home now. I am so bored. All I can do now is play the piano, study and use the net. No one to talk to. My parents hardly talk to me. They are so busy with their work. I can only talk to my rabbit. And my rabbit doesn't understand a single word I say. I hate to come back to a silent, cold home. I hate not being able to social like a normal person. If this continue, I am going to go all quiet and emo. I have to be alert. Talk more at school. Be more socialized. People say I am getting a little too quiet already. Oh no no no. Talk more. I have to talk more.

You know, I don't even remember the last time my father hug me. My mother hug me only when I hug her. And her hugs are so not real. It's like she doesn't want to hug me at all. Forget about my sisters. They don't even want to touch me. I know that they love me and all that. But sometimes, all I want is just a hug or a cuddle. At camp, I experience 2 different kinds of hug. From a girl and a guy. Let me tell you. It's different. A girl's hug is soft and sweet. A guy's hug is security and strong. I miss that feeling of being protected. From young, I have to learn to be strong and independent myself. Sometimes, I feel so tired of protecting myself and feeling so unsecured. People keep saying how independent I am and how strong I am. They don't know that inside, I feel so sad and lonely and unsecured. But I know I can always turn to my heavenly Father for strength and security.

I guess that's all. I will try to write more often. I promise. And I should go to bed now. Good thing no school, er, today, I think. Yup. Today. It's 12 something to 1, I think. Good night, you all!!

Rest In Peace.

2011-04-22T21:56:00.003+08:00

I will always remember this day. Good Friday. The day my rabbit, Lucky, died. About a year ago, my sister pick it off a roadside. This cute little fur ball. It became ours. I love it so much. We bathe it. We play with it. It is such a sweet, gentle creature. It was such a good rabbit. Doesn't bite you when you pet it. It even loves being pet.

I feel so sorry for what I did yesterday. It was just under my mother's Christmas tree again. It loves it there. I had to bring it back it as it was late. I had to take a broom to shoo it out. I regret doing that. If I had known it is going today, I would had let it lay there for as long as it want. I regret not spending more time with it.

If I could just go back in time now, I would insist my sister to bring it to the vet when she first caught it. I would spend more time with it. I would clean out the cage every single day. I would pet it every single day. I would talk to it more. I would not scold it whenever it spray me with it's urine. I rather let it spray me with it's urine everyday than losing it.

I miss it so much now. Gosh. It sound like one of my close friend or family member died. Well, my uncle, mother's youngest brother, died on Monday night. But we weren't really very close to them. So I wasn't really that sad. But my rabbit. I love it so much. If I had known, I wouldn't have used a broom ever to shoo it out from anywhere.

Lucky, I am sorry. You go too soon. I hardly had anytime to spend with you. I love you. I miss you. I will remember you forever. I love you so much. How I wish I can take back all the scolding I gave you. I don't mind you spraying me with your urine. I rather you do it a thousand times than go away just like that. You didn't give me a chance to say good bye. Give you one last pet.

I see your empty cage and I feel so empty too. Ever since you came, all my fun time involves you. You brought sunshine into my life. When I am sad, I go to you and pet you. And you will always be there to let me pet you and love you. And I am able to forget my problems and troubles temporary. My life feel so empty without you.

I love you, Lucky.

I will miss you, Lucky.

Rest In Peace, Lucky.

You will always be in my mind, Lucky.

Changed me. Terrible.

2011-04-07T17:26:00.003+08:00

What's wrong with me? I don't seems to be myself anymore. I feel like I have become a violent, dangerous, unfriendly, murderous, dark-face person. Where is the old me? Where is the old sunny me? I am so scared. What has happen to me? My temper is getting harder to control. Every single day, I always wanted to yell at people and scold them bad words. This just isn't me! Where is me?! Where am I?!

I just understand it. I am mad at people for small stuff. Stuff that wouldn't have bothered me in the past. Am I changing? I don't know why, but I have been feeling very, very down since the beginning of this year. Why? It's like I cannot walk out of this dark world. I felt trapped in it. There is no place for me to escape it.

I keep telling myself to forgive and forget. I keep telling myself anger is not good at all. I keep trying to lift up my mood. Right now, I give up. So many times in school, when people talk back at me, I kept quiet. But inside, I really wanted to slam that person. This just really isn't me! So many times I wanted to cry. But I promised myself no tears.

I couldn't release all those lock up emotions. How I wish I can scream and cry and shout and yell. So that, for once, I can release all those negative emotions and be rid of them. I want to be free. I keep feeling that I am changed. Changed into some bad-tempered jerk. I am just feeling terribly down now.

My life is in a mess.

Who am I? Where am I? Why am I like this?

This is so complicated. Help me.

I will not cry.

2011-03-10T17:26:00.002+08:00

I have already swear. I will not cry. I will stay strong and go through this without tears. I have enough of tears already. I just gotta let go and start again. It's none of my business he likes someone else. Someone that is prettier, smarter, better than me. He has his own choice. It's not like he's mine.

Lots of people thought I am fine already. That I got over it already. But the truth is, I have not. I just can't. No matter how hard I try to forget it all, I just can't. He also thought I get over it already. But he has no idea it hurts me a lot to see him and talk to him. It almost kills me to see him so close with her. But it's none of my business at all.

He must think that I am a very weird person. Don't want to talk to him. Don't want to see him. I bet that he thinks I am a terrible, unfriendly, emotional person. Oh well. Why should I care? I am desperately trying to forget him. Someone should invent a washing machine that can wash brain. So that I can wash away that memory.

I really want to start again. I believe I deserve to live happily. I will prove it to him that I am a much better person then he thinks. I will make him regret that he didn't accept me when he had a chance to. I will move on and live my life to the fullest. I do not need him to make my life exciting and wonderful. I can do that myself too. I will make him see that without him, I still can be happy and live life normally.

I was wrong to give my heart to him. He doesn't even appreciates it. In fact, he hurts me terribly. Why in the world do I still like a guy that hurts me terribly?! I am so stupid.

So, I hereby swear that I will start again and give my heart to another guy who really appreciates it (I still haven't found this guy yet. Ops. xD). I will not cry because of him. I will get over him and will ban all thoughts of him in my head. I will move on and live my life to the fullest without his presence. I will give all my thoughts and time to God, and forget about him. I will mend my broken heart MYSELF. This is the promise I make to myself and God.

Well, unlike him, God will never reject me and hurt me. In fact, God will welcome me happily. So, at least I know I can get comfort from God. Well, I should focus on my studies. So that I can move to another country and leave all these terrible, sad memories behind me. Add oil, girl! I can do it!! Woohoo~~!!

Valentine's day.

2011-02-14T20:21:00.002+08:00

Well, it's the annual Valentine's day today. For me, it's not a very happy one this year. In fact, it's my saddest Valentine's day in my whole entire life. When I saw him, he didn't even wish me a happy Valentine's day. Seeing him makes me remember everything. All those sad things.

But, why should I care about all these things? It's so not worth it. I don't care. The truth is, even though I keep saying I don't care, I still care a lot. Seeing him talking so happily with the other girl. It just makes me sadder than ever. I keep telling myself it's not worth it. But I just couldn't forget about him.

I am desperately tying to forget about him. I just want to focus on my studies now. But it's so hard. Arugh!! I just hate myself for this. Why should I feel sad for a boy that doesn't even know I exist? I only exist when he needs my help in some things. Terrible.

This is going to be a short post. Just to say that it's a sad Valentine's day for me this year. I have never receive a boy's gift before at Valentine's day. And the 1st time is not this year. Not him. I am so sad. I will try my very hardest to not care about this. I will trying to forget about him.

Even though it's sad for me, it doesn't means it's sad for you all, my buddies. So, happy Valentine's day, people! :D Be happy for me. xD

Random thoughs.

2011-02-10T17:46:00.002+08:00

是时候用些华文了。我的朋友们常说不想要读我的部落各因为是用英文的。哈哈。太不好意思了。今天没什么东西写。只是想把脑袋里没有关系的东西写下。就这一次让你们进入我的脑袋里。让你们看看我在想什么。

2月14日要到了。感到好伤心。感觉上那件事我还没完全放下。觉得被捆绑的感觉。走不掉，又避不了。当我看到他跟她面对面坐着，非常的关心的问候她，教她功课，跟她有说有笑，那么亲密时，我感到好心痛。我跟自己说，他不值得我这样为他伤心。但，讲得到，做得到吗？并不觉得做得到咯。我很beh tahan 自己。一直在转牛角尖。有什么办法呢？被伤透的心，永远都会有无数条疤痕。伤痕累累的心，可怜你啦，太对不起你啦。

她还是不要跟我讲话。我也无言了。我相信，当两个人吵架时，往往都是双方的错。我已经道歉了，解释了，把真心话讲出来了。为什么还是对我那么冷漠呢？我也愿意继续我们的友情啊。我从来没有说过我讨厌你啊。怎么样都好，她在我心目中永远都是我的朋友。只感到好伤心。因为为了这一小点的事，放弃了友情。无言啊。。

对自己的未来很没有把握。我以后想读什么科系？我以后想念哪间大学？我以后要做什么工？我完全不知道。我很怕。也很担心。我以后的路要往哪里走呢？当我听我的朋友们讲到他们的未来时，我心里非常的妒忌他们。因为他们懂他们以后要往哪里发展。他们根本都不用担心什么，怕什么。因为他们很清楚知道他们的方向。而我呢？感觉一直在流浪着。没有方向和目标。我好怕哦。

最近，CF出了一些问题。我不想连累到其他的人。尤其是Abi和他。他曾经告诉我说，他想要去新加坡读书，发展。我不可以接受他为了要保护CF而丢掉他的梦想和前途。Abi也是如此。我不想要他们两个在危险区。可以的话，我想把他们推进安全区。让我来承担责任。虽然是讲说男人做头不做尾。但，也要看在什么情况下啊。不可以。他们太危险了。我也准备好把自己的未来丢掉了。当然，可能事情也不会那么够力啦。只是很有可能会影响到我们的前途而已。在看吧。只能多祷告。

天岱老师今天怎么的。学会过后，我经过小食堂时，看到他和天岱老师在谈事情。天岱老师叫我过去。我就去咯。没有看他一眼或跟他打招呼。当天岱老师在和我谈事情时，一直命令我看他一眼。当我看过去时，他。。他。。他很可爱但又很尴尬的对我微笑。我也很尴尬的微笑。脸也红了。当他微笑时，真的很帅哦。What the.. Did I just said that?! Arugh!! Hate myself for this. 这个天岱老师在干吗的。看到他的微笑，让我的心好痛哦。Because we were never meant to be. 心碎了。Haiz..

我今天就一直在想这些东西。还有我的学会下星期Amazing Race的细节。就这样。对了。英文演讲比赛选拔赛，我被淘汰了。这使我更伤心。今天怎么了。一直那么伤心。就这样啦。结束。:D

Just let go.

2011-02-07T17:48:00.003+08:00

Sometimes, I wonder how will I survive my darkest moment if it hadn't been my big bunch of caring and loving friends. They were the greatest bunch of friends and I thank God every night that they are always there for me when I needed them most and when I am feeling so down and when I am in my darkest moments. Thanks, people. You all are the greatest! Love ya all!

What my church friends said was right. I need to learn to let go. There are some things that aren't worth keeping in my heart and letting it weighting me down. It's like I am picking up every stone that come my way and putting it in my bag on my shoulders. This is just plain stupid because I can choose to either not pick it up or after picking it up, throw it away.

I just keep picking it up and keeping it. Making my bag heavier until I cry out that it's just too heavy for me to take and I can't go on anymore. This is just plain stupid. I am keeping and remembering all those unhappy and bitter things. All these just makes me become a very unhappy, bitter, unforgiving person. I so don't want to be like that. It's just like my grandma!!

See, my grandma always remember and keep all those unhappy stuff in her heart for so many years. She just couldn't forgive and forget. Now, she just likes to blame people for everything and have a very weird attitude. She is a very bitter and unforgiving old lady. She doesn't have many friends. That makes her very lonely. Then, she will come and blame us for not visiting her often enough, not caring for her, etc.

I so don't want to be my grandma. I don't want to turn into a bitter person. So, today, I choose to forgive and forget. I choose to let go. I choose to be happy and throw away all those stones. It makes my heart so much lighter and happier. I choose to let God do the healing work and take control of my life.

I am much better now. Really! I feel very much at peace. Even though a little hurt and jealousy will leak out. But, I am just human. I am not perfect. But I know that I am really on the road to recovery and things will become better, I hope. Last Sunday, after a special healing encounter with God and after a flood of tears and crying, I am finally on the road of healing and letting go. Thank you, God.

You see, I don't like to admit that I am weak. I am a very competitive person. I always stand strong and refuse to back down. I am very "gia shu", if you know what I mean. Scared to lose. That day, I learn another very important lesson. Sometimes, it's okay to admit that I am weak. Sometimes, it's okay to cry. Sometimes, it's okay to say that I can't do it. Sometimes, it's okay to say that I need help. I am only a human.

Now, I will always remember that whatever happens, God hears my prayer, hears my cry of help, sees the tears of sadness and will always be with me. Even now, I am quite okay, He is with me. Never letting me go. I will never be alone. No matter how terrible the situation is, He will always be with me.

Everything will be fine soon, I hope. Well, there is always hope in the future. I am healing and recovering. Really. This time, it's real. Though, once in a while, when I see him, I will still feel a little hurt. I see him very close with another girl, I will still feel a little jealous. But, hey, I am not perfect. I am only human. But I will work hard on that and let go. Now, it's time to learn to let go. Child, just let go....

Crying and a broken, shattered person again.

2011-01-26T17:35:00.003+08:00

When will happiness find me again? I am so waiting for that day. Things went from bad to worst today. I just couldn't accept it. Just when I thought things is going to get better, it became worst. And so, the tears never stop flowing. It just come again and again. Sadness and depression greets me again. They became my best friend instead of happiness. Now, happiness seems to be my enemy. How pitiful this is. Sigh sigh.

My class had a big sit changing today. I will call this girl S. To tell the truth, I wasn't really keen on sitting with S again as her personality and attitude scares and annoys me a lot. But she goes and arrange for us to sit together again. I was like, oh, okay, here we go again. I will call this guy A. Then, a guy didn't want to sit with A. So, they started changing places and everyone is trying to get away from sitting with A.

I will call this other girl P. After they change, I was to sit with P, S was to sit with A. S was really angry because when they were discussing, I went to the front to say that I can change place to anywhere. S thought I that I didn't want to sit with her. She was so mad and walk straight out of the classroom. When I was that she was to sit with A, I knew she will be more mad. So, I said I will change back to sit with her. P also didn't want to sit with A. So, to save S and P, both my friends, from sitting with A, I choose to sit with A.

Now, A and I aren't really on good terms. We had a couple of problems and I really don't want to sit with him. But to save both my friends, I had chosen to sit with a guy I didn't like at all. And guess what? S is mad at me. Because she still thinks that I deliberately change places just to get away from her.

I cried in school today. Partly because I need to sit with A again. Partly because S couldn't see the sacrifice I made for her and doesn't appreciate what I did. I am broken and shattered again into a thousand million pieces. The tears just couldn't leave me. Happiness just couldn't find me. When will I ever smile and laugh really happily again? Will things ever get any worst? Now, I am a broken and shattered person again. How pitiful. TT

17 years old and still feeling like a child.

2011-01-24T21:11:00.002+08:00

I am 17 years old this year. Well, 16 and a half. But I am still feeling like a child. A young child who needs to be care for and be guided. In many ways, I feel so immature and childish. Suddenly, I think that I grow up too fast. It's like I am forcing myself to grow up and face the world. I suddenly feel unprepared for the world.

I talked to A today. She doesn't really understands what I am trying to tell her. But it's good to have someone to talk to. Even if she doesn't really understands what you are trying to tell her. So, according to her, I am emotionally disturbed. I thought it was unstable and uncontrollable emotions. Or should I say depressed. By what, I don't know.

L was right. You feel terrible but you don't know why. Why not just live on the spot and some day, some time, any time, happiness will find you again. Sad or happy, you still have to live through everyday. I choose to live happily, even if it's force or faking, than to live sadly. Logic, right? See, I am learning to be practical. (har har..)

I am still trying to piece back my shattered and broken heart. It's stupid, I know. So long already and I am still trying to let it go. Apparently, it's not working. I see him, I will go all broken again. Why am I so fragile and weak? Why can't I be stronger like my sister? I want to let it go. I want to forget about it. But I can't seems to do it. What is holding me back? The answer, me. Stupid, hopeless me. Sign, sign.

I want to be normal again. I want to be me again. I want to be the happy-go-lucky, silly, carefree, humorous me. Not the broken, depressed, emotional, sad me. I feel like it's a million years ago that I last laugh and smile really happily. Ever since THE THING, I have never really laugh and smile happily. As in, really happy. Not half happy half depressed. I am so stupid. I bring this on myself.

When will I ever be normal again? When will happiness find me again? When will I ever laugh and smile really happily again? When will I stop feeling so depress and emotional for no reason? When will my sunny self come back? When will my gloomy self go away? When? Tell me when?

Depressed.

2011-01-19T20:20:00.002+08:00

Looking at the title, I ask myself why am I depressed. The answer is, I don't know. I have been feeling very moody and down for the pass 3 days or so. I keep searching for an answer within myself. But, so far, not successful at all. I really hope that I do not have to go through what I had gone through during Junior 2 to 3. That 2 years was the worst of my life.

How so? Hmm. Let's see. I was awfully rebellious in Junior 2. Didn't want to study and all that. Junior 3 I was plain depressed and self-abased (自卑). Now, I am feeling the exact same thing when I am in Junior 3. The depression, the self-abased feeling, the hopelessness, the pressure and so on. How do I prevent all these? I am having dark thoughts again just like when I was in Junior 2 and 3.

Some people said I changed already. I become more sullen and doesn't want to talk anymore. I become more petty (小气) and bad tempered. Am I? I know that I get irritated easily now. I am getting more and more emotional and it's getting harder to control my emotions now. I am trying to be more practical instead of emotional. Somebody, help me!

Another thing. I am freezing my heart out. I am turning my heart into a cold, hard ice stone. So that I don't have to feel and get hurt again. This is probably the best for now. I am really feeling better from THAT thing. Don't get me wrong. I am feeling okay. Not really okay, but better. But I can't seems to get him out of my mind! I can't seems to get THAT feeling out of my heart.

As I have said, I will always have a scar in my heart because of this. But I was hoping that I can get rid of THAT feeling. Of course not all, because that will be impossible (or not..?). But I was hoping most of it will go. Not working, apparently. Still hurting a little here. From now on, I am going to freeze my heart out so I don't have to feel again. If I can't feel again, I won't get hurt again. Awesome!

Still, I hope I won't have to go thorough that wild emotional ride this year again. No more. It's really hard to control it. Help me!

Shattered and broken.

2011-01-10T16:48:00.002+08:00

He knows. He rejected. I knew it. Shouldn't have listen to my church friend. They were all so convince that he likes me. In the end, what happened? My heart is shattered and broken. Into a thousand million pieces. Again. Why does life have too be so full of pain and misery? I will never understand.

J told me that he told him to try and also think about my feelings. Dude, I have never wanted to start a relationship. I just let him know only. So that he can keep is distance and I won't be able to hurt myself too much. Also, if he start with me just because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings and feel sorry for me, I rather not start. Because it will be pure torture for him. In the end, he will hurt me even more. Another thing is that he don't even have any feelings for me. If you begin a relationship without any feelings for the other, it will end badly and disastrous.

I wonder about it now. If he accepted me and asked me THE question, will I say yes or no? I don't know. I really wonder. Of course, I will have to pay a high price for this. The price is a shattered and broken heart. Is it worth it?

He is a great, nice guy. A little blur and boring but honorable. I am so sorry that I cause trouble for him and make him guilty. Don't be. Because this is purely my fault. I shouldn't have told you. I should have kept it a secret. Sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel awkward or embarrass you.

How long will I take to let him go? How long will I take to stop hurting? Only time could tell. I wonder how many tears do I still need to shed only I can let him go. Good question. I can't believe I told a guy I like him. Where has all my dignity gone?! Gosh. But hey, I am still single. Still free. xD Guess no guys will ever like a girl like me. I will be fine soon, I hope.

I want to cry.

2011-01-07T21:31:00.003+08:00

I want to cry. I want my tears to come to me. I want to shout and yell. I want to run away from the pain. I want to exercise for a long time so I will be tired enough to sleep. I want to disappear into thin air. I want to stop being so emotional. I want to grow up.

These few days, I am feeling very awful. I am being unreasonable, childish and emotional. Things have been difficult for me. And it's all my fault. I am actually my own murderer and torturer. Darn. Why, of all the times, do I have to fall for someone NOW???

I hate myself for this. I torture myself because of this. Now, he will think that I am weird and is purposely avoiding him because I hate him. Come on! It's me! Me, me, me! Do not feel guilty or anything. Because this is purely ME!

I know everyone says that just treat him as a friend. I am trying to. But it's hard. Because whenever I see him, I feel this sharp pain, like a knife stabbing me, in my heart. And I will not be able to act normally or talk normally in front of him. Then, it will be so obvious. This is why I have been avoiding him. Because I want some more time to think about this and sort out my feelings and emotion.

I am naturally an emotional person. Let me tell you one thing. NOT GOOD AT ALL. Why can't I be more logic and practical instead of letting my emotion taking over my brain? I want to be more like my sister, who is practical and rational. I am so dumb and stupid. Childish and immature. And I am going to be 17!! STILL ACTING LIKE A KID!! GROW UP, ETHEL!!

I didn't want this to happen. But it did. I couldn't control it. I should have seen it coming. Then I would have been more careful and keep a distance between him and me. But it's all too late. THIS IS SO MY FAULT!! This has nothing to do with him.

To him: Get on with your life. Forget about me. Don't feel guilty. Don't wonder. Don't ask. Don't misunderstand. Let me suffer on my own. Leave me alone to think and calm down. Give me some time. Let me be. Stay away from me. I am dangerous. This has nothing to do with you. This is my fault. It will be better if you don't know the truth.

Last but not least, I cannot believe I shed tears because of a boy. I cried myself to sleep because of a boy. Unbelievable. I have never dream I will have this day. Serves me right. TT

Got robbed.

2010-12-02T11:49:00.002+08:00

Yesterday, my family and I went out at around 7.15 pm. We went to the airport to pick up my second sister who just came back from Singapore. After that, we went out for dinner. Came home at around 9.30 pm.

I was the one opening the door. My eldest sister switched on the light. I saw dirty prints on the floor and the storeroom door opened. I was wondering aloud why the floor is so dirty and the door opened because we don't usually opened the door. It was always kept close. That was when we knew something was wrong.

I pushed my sisters out of the door and asked my father to go in first. He was armed with a wooden thick stick and went in. He found out the side door was broke open. We all run to our bedrooms to see what was missing. Indeed, many things were missing.

My eldest sister was so upset. Her gold necklace, which was given to her by my grandma for her 21st birthday, was stolen. Along with her watch, some cash, laptop and other various stuff. My bedroom was in a mess. My closet door was open, some of my locked cabinet open but nothing was stolen. (no expensive stuff in my room. only books, books and books. xD)

My parent's and second sister's room was also in a mess. But thank God, not much was stolen. Some cash, jewelry, etc. Also, thank God for protecting us all. Good thing they came in when no one was at home. Thank God, also, for getting me out of the house with my other family members. I almost decided to stay at home. What will happen if I stayed alone at home?!

Also, thank God that my parent are here. They are constantly overseas. Thank God that yesterday, both of them were here and not in some other country. Estimated loss is RM 5000++. But we all thank God that it wasn't much. At least, the most expensive thing in my house is still here. Which is my grand piano.

Abi was right. At least they didn't take our television or grand piano or anything like that. Just some small things that can be replaced. I thank God again and again for protecting us. We made a police report and everything. By the time we finish everything, it was around 1.30 am. I get into bed by 2.00++ am.

I am now still very distraught and in shock. Also, we are all still very upset and annoyed. But what did God said in the bible? Love your enemies. Bless them. Return good for evil. Well, I forgive the robbers. I prayed yesterday night that God will also forgive them and bless them. Amen.

National School Christian Fellowship Leaders Camp 2010

2010-11-27T18:46:00.004+08:00

This year, only one word can describe it. AWESOME!!!!!!!!! I met great friends, great officers and great group mates. God really touch my heart in this camp. I learn a lot from this year's camp. It was really great. Just the things I need to hear and think about.

It taught me to be a better leader. It taught me to surrender to God. It taught me to be thirsty and hungry for God's word. It taught me to be more discipline. It taught me to commit my life to God. It taught me to be the salt and light of this world. It taught me to be live a simple life and be different from others. It taught me to never give up doing God's work. It taught me to continue the race until time is up and I see the finish line. It taught me not to be selfish and to sacrifice myself. It taught me to be bold to tell the gospel. It taught me to be quiet and wait upon the Lord.

I love this camp. 2 years I went to this camp and it never fails me. I will continue to pray and ask God to help me in my daily life. I will do my best to live a different life and to help others in every way I can. I want to apply what I learn in this camp in my daily life.

As I write this, I am listening to 2 songs. Jesus, lover of my soul and Shout to the Lord. And I realize 2 things. That is Jesus loves me so much and nothing, absolutely nothing can compare to the promise I have in Him.

I remember this video we watch at the camp. It's about a runner wanting to win the race. But in the middle, he tore his leg hamstring and lie on the tracks in pain. As the medics were running towards him, he stood up again and started limping to the finish line. His was weeping in pain and disappointment. An older guy fought security and came on the tracks. It was his father. His dad told him it's ok to not finish this race. But the runner was determine to finish it because it was what he was sent to do. And his dad supported him and run with him. Near the finish line, the dad let go of his son and he crossed the finish line alone and to the standing ovation of 65000 people.

It made me realize something. Never give up. Even if I am in pain or suffering or being tortured, never give up. It doesn't matters if I ended up last. What matters is I finish the race. And if I ever fall down and hurt myself, my Father in heaven will run with me and support me. What makes the father run to his son on the tracks was the expression of pain and grieve. When I cry to my Father in heaven, He too, will come running to me and support me and give me comfort. During the camp and before camp, I was hurting badly. I was on the edge of giving up. But then I realize that my Father in heaven is and was with me all the time. It's just that I didn't know. Not to say I am not hurting now. But now, I know that my Father in heaven will be with me all the way.

Right now, as I am writing this, I am in pain and hurting very badly in my heart. But I can bear with it and continue the race because I know my Father in heaven will be with me and never let me go. No matter how hard it is and how hurting and agony and torture it is, I will finish the race. I will never give up. Because of my Father's love and support, I can go on. When the day I finish the race, I can proudly say to my Father that I have done it and He will take me into His arms and say He is proud of me. Lord, please give me the strength, wisdom and love to go on. Amen.

1113 CF 1st Anniversary.

2010-11-15T12:49:00.002+08:00

Nov 13 was the day before yesterday. But I only find the time now to blog about it. It was awesome. Not really prefect, but really great. I was under a lot of pressure for this event. All I can say is, God really help me a lot. He really listen to your prayer and help you. Thank you, Father, for helping me in so many things. Most importantly, You are with me the whole way through. I know I can count on You. Thank you.

The number of people that came was lesser than what we expected. Oh well. Maybe we didn't give out all the cards and not enough contacts and all that. But 60 people came. That was good enough. 4 people accepted Christ that day. Amen. It was really touching. Having this event was worth it. So, so worth it. I will never regret doing this and being in charge of this event.

It was really tiring, preparing this event. Nearing this event, everyone was cranky, including me, and I was under a lot of pressure. For almost a week, I can't sleep well. Now I found out something. I cannot sleep well when I am under a lot a pressure. This is odd. Anyway, the preparation had my family members yelling at me, my teachers screaming at me and my team members frowning at me. Well, it didn't really happen this way. My family did yell at me. But my teachers weren't screaming at me and my team members weren't frowning at me. But still, we were all under a lot of pressure.

A lot of small things kind of went wrong when we were having this event. PA system went wrong, the projector went wrong (Bryan's BIG FOOT was the cause of it) and others. While we were presenting, some funny things also happen. But, all in all, it was quite a great night. My mother team members all wanted to do it again next year. I sincerely hope I am not the one in charge again. It was really pressuring and tiring. One experience is enough.

I really thank the teachers and all my team members and all the people who help us in this. Either on stage or back stage. Without you all, this event couldn't have been possible. Most importantly, thank you, Lord for being with us and helping us and seeing us through all the way. Thank you, thank you.

Drawing to an end.

2010-11-04T11:31:00.003+08:00

I am blogging from school now. I am in the computer lab. It's computer class. I isn't suppose to be blogging. It's against the rules. But I don't care. School's drawing to an end. Tomorrow is a holiday. But I got practice for 1113. Because school's drawing to an end, school rules are more relaxing. Teachers are letting down their guards. Who cares about tucking in your shirt and results and stuff like that when school is out next week? Boring~~

Still, I would like to talk about my very snobby friend. She sits beside me. And, oh my God, she is just so, I don't know, unpredictable? Obnoxious? Snappy? Whatever. Sometimes, I feel like she is treating me like a dog. When she wants to, she will talk to me. When she doesn't wants to, she will not even look at me. What? Since when I am her dog?

I was just going on my way just now behind her and she just snap at me telling me to quit following her. As if!! I wasn't thinking of following her. It just so happens that the person I want to talk to is also the way she wants to go. Darn her. Sometimes, she just doesn't find out the truth and then simply yell at me or scold me. It really hurts, you know.

She ask me Book-keeping, I teach her patiently. She ask the same questions over and over again. Some of the questions are stuff teacher teach us at the beginning of the year. I always repeat the same things and teach her patiently. When I ask her some maths stuff politely, mind you, politely and it's something the teacher just teach us, she makes that annoyed sound and said I am stupid. Whatever I do or said is wrong and stupid. She is always saying I am stupid. As if she is better than me!!

My results are better than her. During class, what I don't know, I ask her or teacher. That's why my results quite ok. But she sleeps in class, don't understand anything also don't ask and always wait until last minute only ask. Of course her results are not as good as it should be. Than, she will start to make nasty comments like, huh, see you in class always don't know like this also can get so high marks, cheh!! Hello!! I studied like mad at home and pay attention in class!!!

I don't know about you, but I have had enough of her. I am not her dog. I am a human with feelings. I know I shouldn't get angry at her. In fact, I should forgive her. But it just hurts too much. Always saying hurting word and comments are enough to hurt me. Suddenly don't bother me and always making things seems like my fault is way out of my limits. I really have had enough!!

I mean, what is her problem, anyway? What did I do wrong? Always is me, me and me. One day, it's the way I talk. The next day, is the way I sit. Another day, is about my personality. She is always talking about other people's bad things, how other people treats her badly and stuff like that. Come on!! She got problems too, ok?! Just because she comes from a single-parent family doesn't means she can act like this. Sometimes, I am just so mad at her I want to slap her and yell at her. But, oh well, lets just say I got a too-soft heart. Arugh!!

Now, school is drawing to an end, I can don't bother her at all. I mean it. AT ALL!!! She want to put out her princess ways, fine. Her problem. Don't bother me, fine. Not my problem. Lets just hope she is not in my class next year. Darn. I HAVE ENOUGH!!!

Why can't she understand?

2010-10-28T20:56:00.002+08:00

Exam is officially over the this year. CF things are a little hectic. 1113 is coming up and there are loads for practices and meetings. By the way, 1113 is our CF 1st anniversary celebration. Looking back, time fly so fast. 1 year gone. But I am not at all happy. Things turn sour with my mother today. I am actually very happy but, oh well, things just happen sometimes.

Our teacher-in-charge's church asked us to present our drama on 24/12, which is Christmas Eve. Of course the church people will put in rehearsal times. As 1113 is coming up, of course we also put in loads of practices. 14/11, there is a rehearsal for 23/12 and my parents aren't around to fetch me to school. The church is just opposite the school. My sister is busy and Abi can't fetch me too.

So, Abi thought of a very good plan. 13/11, which is our anniversary night, after the celebration, I follow Abi back to her place to sleepover, the next day go to her church and then to the rehearsal. We also will have a meeting to talk about 1113. I asked my mom today about this. And she yelled at me to just forget all about this rehearsals and drop all these things.

I just don't understand. Why can't she understand that I, as the president, cannot miss this kind of stuff? My teachers expect me to appear at every occasion. But my mom doesn't wants me to go around here and there. Now, I'm like stuck in the middle, trying to please both sides. Its really hard for me!! I feel so pressured and stress.

Can't she understand that I am doing all this for God? If it hadn't been for God's calling, I never would have dream to start this CF and get into so much "trouble". I don't understand why she doesn't support me like Abi's parents or Bryan's parents or Nanson's parents. They are so supportive and they are so willing to fetch them up and down. But mind is the opposite. They forbid me to go to these kind of activities that requires them to drive me up and down.

I give up so much things just to please them for the past 4 years. I give up normal social high school life and so many activities and competition just to go back with my bus uncle. Now, I am doing all these things just to try to plan the seeds of the Gospel into my school, they also forbid. What do they want me to do?! Sit around and see thousands of souls get lost and go to Hell one day?

I just don't get it. The end of the world is coming. Aren't we suppose to go save as many souls as we can rather than to just sit around and do nothing? Why can't they just support me the way other normal parents will? Why? Why, why, why?

Lucky the rabbit.

2010-09-10T12:24:00.002+08:00

This is a true story, okay? It's really amazing. Yesterday morning, after my sister finish her piano class, she was driving away from my piano teacher's house when she sees something jumping around. She is a naturally curious girl and she get out of the car to investigate. To her surprise, it was a rabbit! She thought it was someone's rabbit. She saw the rabbit going into someone's house and got shooed out again. So, my sister just bend down and the rabbit came jumping to her. Then, she just "kidnap" the rabbit home.

It was about 10 in the morning. I was in my room doing some reading when she called me to go downstairs to her car. I was surprise because she could have easily yelled at me to come downstairs. Why call? So, I went. And there was a rabbit sitting in her car. I was shocked. It's brown and white. Later I will post some photos of it on Facebook.

My mother doesn't like animals and at first forbid us to keep the rabbit. But my father is an animal lover and said we can keep it. Of course my mother has nothing to say. So, we bought a cage and everything for it. We name the rabbit Lucky because it is lucky to have found my sister and we are lucky we can keep it. It's such a cute furry little thing.

Lucky is male and quite small. Anyone is welcome to my house to see this little thing. So long!

HHCF PD trip.

2010-08-23T20:38:00.002+08:00

From Friday to Sunday, HHCF had a trip to Port Dickson. We had a good time. But all of us got a bit too tan and sunburn from playing too long under the sun and didn't put on any suntan lotion. Gosh. We all learn our lesson. It hurts. I am on the face, back and shoulder. Bryan is on the neck and back. Nanson doesn't seems to have any problem. Jason got too many black cells. Joyce also no problem. But all of us got a bit too tan.

On Saturday, after worship and sharing, we played beach volleyball. It was around 10+. After 2 games of beach volleyball, we played at the sea. It was around 11 to 12+. We played until 1 to 2+. Serves us right when we got sunburn. Funny no one thought of bring suntan lotion. Oh well. When a bunch of young people go out to play, they never thought of any consequences until after anything happens.

On Sunday, after worship and sharing, we played at the beach again. 12+to1+. That was really bad. Got sunburn. Now, we have to bear the consequences. Serve us right, I guess. When we young people play, we go for the max. It has a high price to pay, of course. All my teacher and classmates ask me the same questions when they see me today. " Oh my gosh! What happened to your face?! You got sunburn?! What did you do?! You go where?! You didn't put suntan lotion?! How stupid you are." Oh well. I deserve it.

On Saturday night, I don't know what got into us. We recorded a bunch of very hilarious and stupid videos. It will be posted on Facebook. All of you can go watch it if you are interested in it. Man, I look like an apple or cherry or red lobster. I cut both my foot and I hurt all over. A very high price to pay. But we had fun, didn't we? :D

I swear now I will not go out into the sun again until I am fully recovered from this sunburn. This weekend, I will not go out into the beach until the sun is not so hot. I swear. I will put suntan lotion on every inch of my body and I will wear a bandanna on my head to protect my scalp. Can you believe one part of my scalp was sunburned too? It really hurt when I comb my hair. Bathing for the next few days will be pure torture, let me tell you.

But we did had a good time and we discussed a lot of things there. We played around a lot but at the same time, we took the word of God seriously. I thank God for bringing us safely there and safely back. No one was seriously hurt. Everything went smoothly. It was great. I also thank God for being with us all the time and watching over us. All the glory and praise be given to our Lord. Thank God for everything. Amen.

Back again!!

2010-08-05T18:27:00.002+08:00

Alright. After lazing for so long, I am finally back. From the last post till now, lots of stuff happened. And believe me, I do not want to repeat it out here. Gosh. Why does 16 years old have to be the hardest age of all? Wild, uncontrollable emotions and weird problems. Oh well, welcome to the world of a 16 year old. At least it doesn't last long. Ha.

Exam is coming. Next Thursday. Believe it or not my 16th birthday is right in the middle of it. OPS!!! I shouldn't have said anything about my birthday!! Okay. This is the weirdest part of me. I don't like people knowing my birthday. Why? I don't know. I just don't like. So, forget it, everyone. Those who cannot forget it, try to keep it a secret, okay? Thanks.

I am really very stress and pressured right now. Plus nervous and scared. I have never have an all pass since Junior 1. I always have at least 2 subjects fail. But, surprisingly, my average mark pass. Huh. Weird. I really want to pass all my subjects this time. Sometimes, I hate myself for being so...... I don't know. Stupid? Slow? Blur? Sigh, sigh..

I gotta add oil. I need to go too. By the way, CF is all well. For the time being. I am going to be the next president. Wow. Big, tough job. I only pray that God will help me and give me wisdom and bravery. This has got to be the most challenging job. God bless me. Amen.

Let's Unite As One For Malaysia.

2010-07-03T21:52:00.002+08:00

Revival is coming to Malaysia. It is true. 20 years ago, God wanted to revive Malaysia. But the people wasn't ready. The supernatural gift and grace was taken away by God. 20 years later, it is here again. Are we ready to receive it? Do we want to wait for another 20 years? NO! We are ready. We must be ready. We cannot miss this chance again. We need God's hand and help in this country. We must pray and call upon His name now. Now is the time.

What do we have to do to revive Malaysia? All the church must unite as one to pray for our beloved country, Malaysia. We must build a no-wall church for Malaysia. We must spend time each and everyday to pray for our country's revival. We must pray for the lost souls of this country. One day, all creation will bow down to our Creator, Jesus.

We see that Malaysia will never be the same again. Just like Taiwan and Indonesia. See how God changed this two country. We must do the same. Why can they do it? Because they love their country. They are willing to spend the time to pray and fast. Because they love God. They are willing to lease their tears for the lost souls of their country. Because their church doesn't have a wall. They unite as one for their country. And God bless their country.

Now is the time for Malaysia. We must be crazy for Jesus. We must unite as one if we want to see revival in Malaysia. Malaysia for Jesus. Malaysia is fill with His glory. Malaysia penuh kemuliaan-Nya. Malaysia for Jesus.

A4J Revival Conference.

2010-06-28T20:37:00.003+08:00

During the hols, I went of a kingdom revival conference. And the things we do and learn there were just... wow. And it's a big wow. It was so amazing. I learn a lot of things there. Not only did I learn things there. I feel God's presence there. Something was really different this year. Really different.

I feel like God want to revive Malaysia. He really want to revive Malaysia. But the people of Malaysia is not ready yet. I feel that Jesus is trying to buy some time for Malaysia before God decide to move away from Malaysia. We pray so hard for our country's revival. Now is the time. If we don't do it now, there isn't a second chance. Oh ya. We got stab by a spiritual knife. A made in Malaysia knife. I still got that scar on my heart. It's invisible. It's a little hard to explain. It's a spiritual thing.

I felt guilty. I felt so guilty because I don't love my country. Even an outsider (not our country people) can love Malaysia so much. And me, a Malaysian by birth, doesn't love my own country like I should. I should spend time to pray for the revival of my country. I should give my tears for my country. But I did not. Instead, I am so selfish until I only pray for myself. I felt so guilty and sad.

I also learn to forgive and love. Forgiveness and loving it a very hard lesson to learn. During the last night, I learn how priceless I was. I learn how Jesus loves me. I learn how He hung on the cross and cannot come down because He wanted to take away all the shame, humiliation, hurt and sadness from me. I learn how He forgive me for my sins. When I thought I was alone, crying in my bedroom, He saw me. When I thought I was alone in my sadness, He was with me.He will forever threat me as a priceless princess. He loves me and I love Him. If He can forgive me, so can I forgive those people that shame, humiliate, hurt me.

Most importantly, I will never forget how He touch my heart with His love. I have never felt so special before. I will never forget His presence upon me. I will never forget the lesson I learn directly from Him. I will forever remember how special I am to Him. I mean, come on, He used His own blood to rescue me. Me. He can no need to do that. But He did. Because He love me. I am a priceless person. Unique and special and priceless. I will never forget that.

My brothers and sisters and friends, if you want to know more, please come and find me directly. Of course I will continue to blog it up. But I don't know if what is the next time I am free enough to blog. Please, do not hesitate to find me. God bless you all. I love you all too.

I don't know if I can do it or not.

2010-06-04T21:46:00.002+08:00

Big boom shell landed today. My primary 6 classmates had a reunion in Facebook. I am still very overwrought. 13 of them added me as friend. But I don't know if I can go click the button add or not. I think I overreacted. Yes. I overreacted. I suppose I must tell you what happened 4 years ago.

It was primary 6. I was elected the 2nd monitor. My now ex-best friend, lets call her Sally, was the 1st monitor. We were quite happy. It started well that year. But things changed soon. There was this girl, lets call her Peggy, came into our class that year. She started to be very good with Sally.

I, of course, got a little green eye. But I was okay. But, this got worst. Peggy didn't like me. She didn't like Sally being with me. She spread things about me. True or not, she said things about me behind my back. My classmates started to boycott me. I was very upset.

UPSR came and went. Things didn't get better. In fact, it got kind of worst. Nobody talked to me. They think I am a very proud person, a stuck up to teacher monitor and etc etc. Graduation trip came. Thanks to Peggy, she manage to destroy the last event of my primary life. She did a pretty good job at humiliating me.

Everyone was pretty convince that I was a bastard. They didn't want to talk to me. Thanks to Peggy, she manage to destroy my whole primary 6 year. After the graduation trip, I didn't even want to recall about my 6 years in primary. It was too painful.

When I go to secondary school, I was determine to start all over again. I just want to put all these behind and start all over again. It was really very hard. I did find a big bunch of caring, loving friends that supported me and understand me. But what I had been through was really very tough. I may have some very weird or bad personality. I must apologize if I annoy or upset or hurt anyone. I must admit I have change a lot.

4 years had passed. I couldn't find the heart to forgive them. I couldn't put it down. I couldn't forget. No matter how hard I try, I can't. 4 years had passed and not a day went by that I did not think about that year. I cannot blame Sally and Peggy for this. I admit I had done wrong. But they went to the extend of destroying the most important year of my primary school life.

Sally is now my ex-best friend. Peggy, I don't even want to think about her. The rest of my ex-classmates I don't really want to recall. So, the most crucial question. Should I or should I not continue to stay in contact with them? Should I add them as friend? It will be very hard and painful for me. I don't know what to do.

Wild Emotional roller coaster ride.

2010-05-26T17:45:00.002+08:00

Hello. Back again after so long. I just didn't have the time or the heart to update my blog. So sorry. All these weeks and days of absence, lots of things had happened and lots of lessons was learn. I feel like I am on a roller coaster. My emotional status just goes up and down and around and around. It's just like a wild roller coaster ride! Seriously, I am considering telling everyone I know that I am an emo and start wearing black clothes. But, nah, that would spoil people's image of my family. So I will stick with being normal.

Tears have become my closest companion. Yes. When I am upset, I cry. When I am disappointed with myself, I cry. When I want something badly but don't get it, I cry. When I want to go somewhere badly and don't get to go, I cry. When I am scared, I cry. When I am sad, I cry. When I am angry, I cry. When I am stressed or pressured, I cry. When I couldn't play my piano well, I cry. Gosh. I must sound like a big baby to you all.

The thing is, I just can't seems to control my tears. I almost cried yesterday at piano class because my teacher said (Said, not yell or scold) that my Scales are bad. I spent hours practicing that and she still said it's not good enough. I was so disappointed with myself that I almost cried. The next month will be a difficult month for me. My piano practical exam is on June the 24th. My Scales sucks, my exam pieces sucks, my sight reading sucks and my Aural sucks. Everything sucks.

And I so badly wanted to go the a camp on June 16-19. My sister and my piano teacher keep saying if my piano don't meet up to their expectations, they will not allow me to go. I was so terribly upset! Not go to this once a year camp?! No way! So now, every single day, I have to practice my piano for more than 2 hours. Sitting there going through the songs and Scales again and again.

My school exam is over. Today is the last day. But I don't feel relax at all. I still got another big exam coming. And if I fail, I don't know how to face my family and teacher. They expect a lot of me, I suppose. Life and things are just so tough now. Every now and then, I just feel like giving up. But that's not me. I don't give up. I just continue on and on and praying to God for strength and wisdom to overcome all these things.

God, I believe in You. I believe in miracles. I really do believe.

Miserable. Don't ask me why.

2010-02-25T20:22:00.002+08:00

I just had my first SPM tuition yesterday. I am so tired now. Imagine sitting and listening to 3 different teachers blabbing about 3 different subjects in 3 hours without any rest in between. Gosh. I almost couldn't get up this morning. How I wish I can just get back to sleep after my alarm clock ring. Grrr... Nasty school.

I regretted taking SPM. I am the quietest girl in my class and I have no idea why my school discipline teacher wants me to become my SPM class class monitor. I was pretty shock when I heard I was summoned to the discipline department to see the head of discipline department. I thought I was getting into serious trouble for being late to assembly. My sister told me I won't get into any trouble. I was thinking, sis, I am going to kill you after this.

Then, boom, I didn't get into trouble for that. I was just choosen to be the monitor. Worst. Me? Monitor? My name doesn't goes with the title monitor. Come on. You got to be kidding me. Me, the quietest girl in class who doesn't have the guts to ask my classmate a question become the monitor? No. This got to be some mistake. I just cannot do it. But teacher isn't going to hear any excuse. Yes means yes. Cannot say no. I got no choice but to take up the responsibility.

I am just so plain miserable. I just don't really know why. I don't want to talk to my friends. I am moody all so a sudden. I cannot seems to control my emotions!!! Help!!! I change my mood so suddenly and I don't know why. I can't seems to control it. One minute, I am laughing and smiling with my friends, the next moment, I can be in an angry mood. I don't know why. What is happening to me?! Why am I like that? I can suddenly change from happy to moody or happy to angry. Can anyone tell me what is up with me??!!

E-challenge and busted.

2010-02-23T16:57:00.003+08:00

Today, my Multimedia Activity teacher wanted us to do e-challenge. In case you don't know what it is, you got to sing, dance and act in 15 minutes. Ya. So, as my teacher was explaining all the rules and regulations, I was suddenly struck with an overpowering terrible longing for my other best friends in other English classes. I miss them so much.

We all use to act together. We did silly things together. We were all so close to each other. I really don't think I can do e-challenge without them. We were one team. I miss them so much I just couldn't bring myself to find other people to form a team with me. I simply have no desire to do it without my bunch of friends. I just really miss them too much. If only we can just get together one last time to go this thing, I will gladly give my life for it. Just joking.

And I got busted today. I was late for assembly. Why? My friend, she is 22, she studies Psychology (yes I am going to study that in the future). She is doing a survey and she asked me to help her give out the survey forms. So I did. Just before assembly, I went to pick up some forms from other class because she needed it after school which is after assembly. Then, I got caught being late to assembly.

What makes me more guilty is that I drag my friend into this mess too. I got her late and got her punish for something she didn't do. This is all my fault. Now, we are going to get deduct marks. And this is not her fault at all. I don't care if I get deduct marks. I just don't want her to get punish for something she didn't do. I felt so guilty.

I will do everything I can to get her name cleared. This is my promise to her. I know rules are meant to be broken. But I am just not the type of person that broke rules on purpose. I especially won't have my friends get punish for something I did wrong. This is just all wrong and unfair for her. I promise you, my friend, I will get your name cleared. No matter what it takes, I will get her name cleared. I promise.

Chinese New Year again.

2010-02-11T20:32:00.002+08:00

Time flies. It's February! Wow. Chinese New Year is coming. I cannot believe it. Without fully realizing it, it is the second month of 2010 already. Hard to believe. Really hard to believe. Oh well, as they say, time flies when you are busy. It is so true, you know.

Today, in my school hall, I saw one of my sister's friend, Zhi Yan. So, without letting teacher see me, I sms her. Of course she thought it was my sister because the number I am using belonged to my sister long time ago. So, she was looking up and down and it was really funny. Imagin thinking one person it actually not there but that person think she is there and can't find her.

Let me tell you. Her expression on her face is priceless! Anyway, she reply me and ask me where am I, all the while thinking it was from my sister. I told her I am not my sister. Then only did she realise it was actually a joke. I laugh my head off at her expression. Priceless!!

It was quite fun, pulling a joke like that. But then, I am being childish and stupid today. I am bored out of my mind and I am in a mood to make fun of other people. Ya, right. I got something wrong. But still, it was really funny.

Well, Chinese New Year is coming and I wish all my friends and family Happy Chinese New Year. May God bless you all. To those that is going back to hometown, drive safely. Safety first. Have a safe trip. Happy Chinese New Year!!

First week of school as a Senior.

2010-01-08T20:38:00.002+08:00

This is the first week of school. I am in Arts class. That means I am taking Book Keeping (Accounting), Business Studies and other normal subjects. Geography, History, Arts, Chinese, English, Malay, Maths and PE are the normal subjects. The other 2 are additional but a must take subject to our schedule. There are other additional subjects for you to choose but I didn't want to take. Want to take a rest this year. The other additional subjects are Economics, Marketing, Music, another type of Arts.

I am in Senior 1 already. Wow. 16 year old. I felt a little old. I successfully get into the 2nd class. Good bye to that bunch of childish people in my class last year. But still not good enough for me. All my friends are in the 1st class! I was so upset. So, I must study hard to get into the first class next year.

Being a senior means a lot, you know. I need to stop being so childish and naughty. Need to be more mature. Plus I really need to study hard. I want to get out of here to study university. My dream place is Australia. Wow. I know. Need to take a scholarship to go over there. Senior level is really very important. Because I need to depend on my Senior UEC cert to go to university. I must add oil.

The vehicle I sit to school are all Junior 1. I am the only Senior 1 student. I feel so old. Gosh. Imagine sitting with a bunch of little kids. Also, they are so childish. But then, is normal la. At the age of 13, they should be childish. Talk loudly, yelling, screaming here and there. Oh well. Normal la.

Book Keeping and Business Studies are quite fun. Except my Business Studies teacher sucks. He just graduated from university and don't really know how to teach. Well, I think I need to give him some time. Good thing I got a free private professional lecturer at my house to give me additional tuition. Book Keeping is little confusing because my teacher make it so complicated. She is also a little boring. I slept at her class yesterday. Ops. First day of Book Keeping class and I slept. How am I going to survive this one whole year?

But I am not that bad. I had 3 periods of Book Keeping yesterday. The 1st period and the 5th and 6th period. During the 5th and 6th period, I was so tired already. After the 5th period, the teacher said rest for 1 minute. So, I just put my head down and rest my eyes. The next moment I open my eyes, it was 15 minutes later and teacher was teaching again. I was so shocked and chagrined. The row I sat don't have a neighbor. It is a single row. So I ask the girl who sit behind me why didn't she call me up when teacher started teaching. She said she didn't noticed me sleeping. Oh, my God. The teacher must hate me now, sleeping in her class. I mean, I didn't mean to. Ops.

Well, I suppose as the days go on, more funny things will happened. I will keep you all up to date with that. See ya, for now!

The last day of 2009.

2009-12-31T10:17:00.004+08:00

Folks, it's 31 December of 2009! The very end of 2009. Here I am with mix feelings. I felt happy and sad at the same time. I mean, look, 2009 is coming to an end. Leave everything behind and start again in 2010. But some things cannot be leave behind.

I felt happy because I am looking forward to a new year. A new start in everything. A new class, a new level, a new bunch of friends. I can leave behind my sadness and frustrations. I really hope 2010 is a good year for me and everyone.

I felt sad because I will be forced to give up my childish ways and to grow up. I am senior now. I must be more mature to set a good example to my juniors. Also, I got to say good bye to some of my friends because we are all not in the same class. Of course we can meet up once in a while. But I am afraid we will be very busy in our own class and things like that and we won't be as close to each other as before. I hope that won't happened.

A new year, a new start. But I think I cannot leave behind my friends that I made in 2009. I also cannot leave behind my personalities and stuff like that. I made some really awesome friends in 2009 and I don't want to leave them behind. Just because 2010 is here doesn't means I have to leave behind my friends, right? They really supported me and help me and stand with me when things happened. And they accepted me. They accepted the way I am. They understand me. And I am so glad I made these bunch of really awesome friends. They were the greatest.

I really hope 2010 will be a better year for me and everybody. No matter in economics or school or anything, it will be better. Good bye 2009. 2010, welcome.

The last Sunday of 2009.

2009-12-27T22:16:00.002+08:00

Memories and memories again. Well, that's why I created this blog in the first place. To put my memories here. Here I am. The last Sunday of 2009. What can I say? Time flies. Looking back, it is like a dream. It's like all the stuff never happen before. It's like a dream. Flying by so fast.

Exams done. Passed all. Lots of things happened this year. Good and bad things. Sad and happy things. Things I don't really want to remember. Things I will treasure all my life. Every year is like this. Looking back, I realize I manage to overcome a lot of challenges in life. Wow.

Youth camp have passed. Christmas have passed. 2009 is coming to an end. I am looking forward to 2010. New class, new level, new challenges. I hope next year will be a better year for me and all of my friends and family.

Life was tough this year. Lots of pressure. But I managed to overcome it. And all those challenges I face. Depressed, sad, stuff like that. I overcome it. I am pretty proud of myself. I felt I have grown up. Grown up to be a better person. I learn how to think things differently and see things differently.

This is the conclusion for this year. 2010, here I come! I hope everything will be better.

National School Chrisian Fellowship Leaders Camp 2009

2009-11-29T15:57:00.003+08:00

Wow. This camp is just so cool. Met lots of new people from all over Malaysia. It was really fun. We played lots of fun games. All the sessions are so good. I learned a lot of things there. The theme this year is Heroes of the Faith. This year, they teach us to have more faith in God.

I really learn a lot of things there and I felt very guilty for not giving time to God. I should, you know. But I didn't. I am so bad. There, the Holy Spirit touch me. All of us prayed for our School Christian Fellowship, church, family and friends.

We also have 4 hours of fasting and solitude. In these 4 hours, you do nothing but talk to God and read the bible. You just sit there and enjoy the silent and learn to appreciate it. You just sit there and enjoy God's presence around you. It was so comforting and relaxing.

We learn about God's will there. We also learn more about faith. We learn how to lead our Christian Fellowship. We learn about spiritual discipline. We learn how to tell the Gospel to our friends creatively. It was all so fun. The way they teach it was also very fun. We laugh from start until the end. But we learn a lot in laughter.

I am so glad I went to this camp. It teach me how to be a better leader. It gives me an idea how to run my Christian Fellowship. It teach me how to make a difference in people's life and in school. It really teach me a lot of things. If can, next year, I would like to bring my juniors there. Let them learn some things there. You can learn a lot in these 6 days.

I advise all my friends to go, if possible. It is so, so worth it and I realize something. I am closer to my Father in Heaven. Plus I also know lots of people. Crazy people. Ha. A little change of subject. Anonymous, who are you? I really want to know who are you. Can you please tell me? Thank you. Well, after camp, sick. Normal la. But I fall sick on Tuesday. Just the second day of camp. =.= Now so very tired. Must so rest now. See ya!

Sunway Pyramid Trip.

2009-11-17T12:49:00.002+08:00

Yesterday, me, Abi, XQ, Tracy, Jo Yee and Xin Ern went to Sunway Pyramid. Our first activity is ice skating. Me and Tracy know how the skate but the others don't know. Jo Yee and Xin Ern catch on it pretty fast. XQ needs me to teach her a little and she also can already. Abi is, well, freaky tall. Maybe is because she is too tall. She couldn't seems to balance herself like all of us. Oh well. At least all of us enjoy ourselves.

After skating for about 2 hours, we went to Popular and Speedy. XQ wanted to buy some books and CD. After that, we went to have lunch. Whew. We took a long time to decided what to eat. Finally, we went to Asian Avenue to eat. Lots of stuff there to eat. I ate spicy fried chicken. Pretty filling. Tracy ate noodles. XQ same with me. The other 3 ate porridge.

Too bad I have to leave at 4 pm. After eating lunch, I have to go. But I had fun with them. Hope we can do it again next time. When you go out with your friends, you really have fun. We all did. Is good to go out with your friends once in a while. So fun and so crazy.

A little change of subject. My counseling teacher once told me something. She said most of the time, the youngest child is the most mature one among the siblings. It is said that the youngest child wants to catch up with the older siblings so that the child can be accepted, the child will be more mature than the children of same age. I don't know if this is true or not. It means I am more mature than my friends? Because I am the youngest? I don't know.

Anyway, is holiday now. I can do whatever I want and whatever I like. This is just great. Going out shopping and playing with my friends and family. Cool. But I just cannot escape one yucky thing. Housework. Oh well, I will do it. After all, I am free now, right? xD.

I have officially graduated from Junior level.

2009-11-13T20:33:00.003+08:00

I got my Graduation Certificate today. I am so happy!!! I have officially graduated from Junior level. I am going to be a Senior student next year!! Isn't this great?? Yeah~~~ So fast I finish my 3 Junior years. 3 more years of Senior level and I am going to be ready to step out into the real word outside. So exciting!!

I must admit one thing, I am old. Well, not that old. But still old. 16 years old next year. Wow. Sweet 16. A teenager. No longer a young teenager. Sometimes, I wish I am a kid again. Go back to the time when things are not so complicated. But that is not going to happen. Oh well. No good wishing for things that isn't going to happen.

I am going to Arts stream next year. I would have like to go to Science stream. But I can't. My Science subjects and Maths don't allow me to go. I am planing to study Psychology when I go university. I do know some university accept Arts cert. I really have to study hard.

I want to go overseas for university. Go England. But my family might not be able to support me. So, I am planing to study real hard. Get a scholarship and get out of there. I might not come back. I might come back. I don't know. All I know is I want to go England for university. I really hope I can do that.

Senior level is not going to be easy. I know that. Even Arts is not going to be easy. I really got to study hard. If I want to achieve my dreams, I must study hard. But all this future things. Now, I just want to be happy that I got my Graduation Certificate. My Junior life is officially over. I am now officially a Senior. Yahoo~~~ Thank God!!!

I have graduated!! Yahoo!!

2009-11-11T17:38:00.002+08:00

I successfully graduated!! I am going up to Senior level next year!! Yahoo!! Isn't this just great??!! I passed all my exams!! I managed to survive my 3 Junior years!! I have graduated!!! I am just so glad!! I don't need to retain, I don't need to redo my exams, I don't need to switch schools!!! I am a Senior next year!! Yeah~~~~!!!!

I am just so glad. I finished my Junior level. Next year is going to be a whole new level for me. I am going to Senior level. 3 more years of Senior level and I will be graduating. But I still have to wait for 3 years. I was so worried I wasn't able to graduate. My results sort of sucks this year. But miracles do happened. I really believe in miracles. I passed. I am able to proceed.

I want to thanked all my friends, family, teachers and spiritual family for all you guidance, support, encouragement and comfort. I am able to graduate today is because of all of you. I really thank you all. I will continue to do well in my studies. That is the only way I am able to repay you all. Thank you!

Special thanks to my sisters, Eileen and Eunice, my friends, Louie, Abi, XQ, Tracy, Yu Xin, Xin Ern, Jo Yee, Elaine, Michelle, Yi Shien, Hui Shih, Bryan and Kim Boon, my spiritual family, youth, and leaders and my brother, Joash. Thank you for your support and encouragement.

I am so thankful I am able to graduate. Thank God for it. I am so happy. I have graduated!!!! Yahoo!!!

Woo~~ Long time no update. Miss me?

2009-11-06T19:59:00.002+08:00

Wow. Time flies. I so long didn't update my blog already. Anybody miss me? Guess not. Well, my house had a BBQ party on 31 October. It was pretty fun. Jo Yee, Abi, XQ, Xin Ern and Tracy came. We all had fun. We were so crazy. Taking photos, videos, playing around, fooling around, laughing out loud, talking like mad, etc etc.

Well, what matter most is we had fun, right? I was humiliated by Abi. Bad girl Abi. She is so naughty and bad. Evil and mean. Okay, okay. This is just a joke. But she really humiliated me. She better not put that 2 video on Facebook. Or else I will kill her.

Louie's purse was stole on Tuesday. We suspected one girl from our class did it because she left her purse in her bag in our class. That suspect acts all funny and the stuff she said was a lie. Why is a lie? Another girl was in the class and she also told her story. Which let us think the suspect lied to us. Oh well.

You all must be curious. Yes, Louie and me are friends again. Last time was a, how should I say it, um, a misunderstanding. Ah, that's it. A misunderstanding. So, we are friends again. What surprise me most is, Yu Xin accepted me as a friend too. Well, she hated me when we were in Junior 1. But that was a long time ago. She even admits it. But don't know why. Weird, huh?

A full circle. Now, we are all friends and we get to have fun. Talking, laughing, playing. Of course, if something ever happens to any of them, Louie or Yu Xin, I will defend them. They are my friends. Same goes to Jo Yee, Xin Ern, Abi and the rest of my friends. That's what friends are for, right? I am glad.

Everything should be perfect. But there is this imperfect place. And it is about the gang in our class. They are getting worst and worst. Always word-bullying us. Humiliate us in public. And I don't understand why they did it. But nevermind, we finally couldn't bear it anymore. We told our class teacher all about it. Ha! Now who is the losers? Them! Ha! Finally. Hope they get the punishment they deserve.

That's all. Have a nice day, people!

I have finished all my exams. Everybody say hurray!

2009-10-28T18:43:00.002+08:00

Woohoo~~ I have finished all my exams for this year. Yesterday was the last day of my exam. Now, I felt so relax and weightless. For months, I have carried with me a heavy weight in my heart. Now, it is no longer there. I am free!! I can do whatever I want and whatever I like. Great!

After exams yesterday, I went to Sunway Pyramid with Abi, Tracy, Jo Yee and XQ. Sadly, because of my piano class, I can only have lunch with them and then I have to leave. They went on to watch " Cloudy with a chance of meatballs" and go shopping and have dinner. But all the same, it was fun to go out with this bunch of crazy people.

I got out of my exam classroom, met up with the rest and we started jumping and screaming and yelling. Right in the middle of the canteen. It is not weird. We weren't the only one going crazy. Then, we went to Tracy's house to change and go to Sunway Pyramid.

We had lunch in Wong Kok. Gosh, expensive place. We keep taking photos and laughing and talking. Then, I have to go. But I heard the rest of the story. The others went to watch the movie and it was in 3D. XQ, Jo Yee and Tracy vomit after they came out to the cinema.

I think they were grossed out and couldn't take all the images spinning in front of them. Well, I am happy I didn't go with them. If me, I will have vomited too. Yuck. Then they went shopping. They went crazy and keep taking photos. After that, they went to have dinner. They stayed out until 10 something only reach home. *Shake head*.

Well, we all have fun yesterday. But more fun things are yet to come in this coming holidays. School let out a week earlier then the calender. So, we get to start having fun a week earlier. Isn't that great? I am going to watch movies, go shopping, go camp and lots more activities.

Exam is over. Pass or fail, I don't care anymore. All I care about is I survive the last 2 months and get over all the 3 major exams. Thank you, God! And thank you to my family members, youth members and all my friends for encouraging me and keeping me going with all the support. Thank you!

3 down, 1 more to go.

2009-10-14T17:27:00.002+08:00

Yeah~~~ PMR yesterday finish already. Great! Now, one more UEC and I am free!!! Me, Abi, XQ, Jo Yee and Tracy planned to go Sunway Pyramid to play on the last day of UEC. Isn't it great??!! That time, we will go ice skate, watch a movie, eat and, last but not least, SHOPPING!!! UEC next Friday. Now studying very hard. Gosh. I often wonder did I make a wrong choice when I choose to get into Hin Hua 2 years ago. Well, I mustn't think about this. Now, UEC important. Add oil everybody!!

I cannot believe my class. Wait. I don't even belong in that class. So, I must change my sentence. I cannot believe Junior 3 Trust class. All the pupils in it are so childish, immature, nasty, evil, no manner, cruel and obnoxious. Gosh. How their parents teach them, I don't know. How dare they shame 2 friends of mine like that. Shame on them!

What happened? Well, when I arrived school this morning, I saw some every unpleasant words on the white board. It was about my friend. Well, the girl that sits behind me. Yes, we fought last time. Long, long time ago. Well, that is not the issue. So, I rubbed it off. When that bunch of pupils arrived, they saw it was rubbed off and they wrote again. This time, the whole white board.

All the unpleasant words on it. Drawings, words, you name it. Terrible. Tell me, are they human or not?Answer: inhuman. I don't know what happened before (and I really want to know, but, aiya, somethings unknown are better la.) but I think their doings are very nasty and cruel. Even though they are not writing me, I felt angry at them. How dare they shame my friends like that? They are still human, you know. They have feelings. How dare they treat us like dogs? Even dogs have feelings too. The way they treat us is worst then dogs.

Who are they? God?! How dare they judge people like this? When did they got the 资格 to judge us? They are just merely human only. Same as everyone. They are not kings or queens. Man, if I have supernatural powers, I will have send them to North pole South pole. So angry.

Nevermind. Still got a few more weeks left only. Then, next year, hopefully I won't meet them again in the same class. The things they write was, oh my God, so terrible and horrible. I don't even want to write it here. It will dirty my blog. All I can do is pray for them and hope I won't meet them again next year.

Memories a guitar bring back.

2009-10-11T18:20:00.003+08:00

As I am holding on to my father's guitar, learning to play it, bittersweet memories flood back to me. What kind of memories can a guitar bring back? Plenty. At first, it was a sweet memory. Then, it turns bitter.

I bet lots of my friends know about this. There was this girl, who was my best friend. She plays a guitar. We were such close friends. But things turn wrong and we fought. Now, we hardly talk to each other. We still chat with each other from time to time. But the closeness was gone.

As I play the guitar, this memory flood back to me. It hurts a ton. Having lost a best friend when I am in primary school, I lost one again in secondary school. I tried to forget it. But I can't. It just replay again and again in my head.

When I was young, I used to watch my father play the guitar. I love to see him play the guitar. Then, my whole family will sit down and we will sing some songs while my father play the guitar. It was so nice. But now, we don't do that anymore. Maybe we just don't have the time anymore. Or maybe we all grow up already.

Now, as I learn to play the guitar, my finger hurts a lot too. My hands are small and my father's guitar is big. But, 我们做什么东西都要付出代价的. I learn that when I learn to play the guitar. I really hope to get a smaller guitar. My father's guitar is a Classical guitar. It is bigger. I hope to get an Augustic guitar. It is smaller. Well, I pray for it every night.

Well, everything around us brings back memories. Funny memories, bittersweet memories, happy memories, sad memories, etc. For me, while playing a guitar, memories flood back to me. And I just have to bear with it. Oh ya. Ow. My finger hurts too. A lot. xD.

2 down, 2 more to go.

2009-10-05T11:51:00.002+08:00

Ah, now only I have the time to write. I finished my Graduation Exam last Friday. I wanted to write, but there isn't any time for me to write. Well, PMR trails and Graduation Exam are behind me. Now, is PMR. This Wednesday is PMR. Wish me luck, friends!

Last Friday, after exam, me, Abi, Bryan and Kim Boon went to visit Miss Sastina. She just delivered a baby girl at the hospital opposite my school. So, we crossed the bridge and went to see her. She is okay. Look a little tired but otherwise, healty and fine. After chatting with her for a while, her mother and son came. So we went and see her baby daughter. Oh, my God. Her baby daughter is so cute. So small. We took some pictures of her and went back to school.

That night, we have a mooncake festival party in my house. It was fun. Well, nothing much happened. Just the same thing over and over again. Today and tomorrow are off for me to study for my PMR exam. Hope I don't get a D for any subject. So long!

Hilarious story.

2009-09-22T20:03:00.004+08:00

This morning, when I woke up, I found out my parents went marketing. So, I decided to make my own breakfast. I wanted to make half boiled eggs. But I soon found out I have a problem. The pot was being used by my mom to soak mushrooms. I know that hot water cooks eggs. But I don't have a pot to boil hot water. I looked around and suddenly have a brainstorm.

My house have an electronic water boiler. I used that to boiled water. Then, when the water was boiled, I pour the water into a tea pot. Yes, I used tea pot to cook my eggs. After about 6 to 7 minutes, I took out the eggs and crack it.

Guess what? It did work. The eggs was cook. But it was only 30% cooked. Ew. It was still pretty raw. I hate eggs like this. I like eggs that is 50 to 60% cook. This one is so watery and raw. Yuck yuck yuck.

But what can I do? I got to eat it. And it was the most terrible breakfast I ever had. That was the most terrible eggs I have ever cook and eaten. My mom was very amused when she heard the story. My sister was also very amused. What can I say? I am just the kind of person that make everyone so amused by what I do.

My mom said this incident teach me to be more logic. She said that the mushrooms can be poured into other place then I can used the pot. I am such a silly person. Of course. But I didn't use my head properly, as usual. Rather then being logic, I think up some stupid ways to cook the eggs.

You guys should have seen my face this morning when I eat the eggs. My mom did. She said it was priceless. I guess my expression was pretty disgusted. Very funny. What a hilarious story. Me using a TEA POT to cook eggs. Friends, a very terrible idea. If you want to try it, you can. But let me tell you one thing, you got to eat what you cook.

I will never ever do such a stupid thing ever again. Sure, it is a very hilarious story. But once is enough. Well, I got to go back and study. People, use your head properly, okay? Don't be a moron like me, okay? This is the end of my first attempt to use a TEA POT to cook eggs. Hilarious!

Immature, childish, obnoxious classmates.

2009-09-16T16:46:00.002+08:00

That's all the more polite words I can think of to describe my classmates. Well, most of my classmates. Apart from my few friends, the others are like this. Why do I say that? Lets take a look at what they did to me since Junior 1, shall we?

From Junior 1, I don't know why, but they hated me. They will say nasty things behind my back and even spread false rumors about me. I was very upset. What was most upsetting was, when they have English homework problem, they come and find me and kind of orders me to do it for them. If I don't, I won't have a future there.

Is like, they are using me. Until now is also like this. Most of the time, they just dump their homework at my table, tells me what to do, then walks away to chat with their friends. What? I am their servant, is it? But I cannot don't do it for them.

Got problem, then like very close and good friends with me. When don't have problem, then treat me like a dog. I am a human, you know? And humans have feelings. I don't even know why I am stuck in this kind of class with these kind of people for 3 years! But, without God's help, I know I won't be able to bear all this until now.

Now, they are nastier. They will say some very hurting and nasty things in front of my face. If got anything that involve me with them but it is actually not my fault, they will blame me and not blame themselves. Hey, I did nothing at all. But everything they also blame me.

Plus, I still have to do their homework for them, when they orders me to. I so don't want to. But I don't see I have a choice. When they say nasty stuff in front of me, I so want to say back. But I know God won't like it. So I got to keep quiet.

There is this bible verse I just learn this Sunday. It is in Romans 15:3 For Christ did not please himself. Instead, as the scripture says, "The insults which are hurled at you have fallen on me." It means, one day, all the insults which they say to me now will fall on them. Maybe not now. But one day, it will happen.

There are lots of bible verses I learn to keep myself from going mad and able to control my tempers. But I don't have the time to write it down now. But I will do it when exams are all over. I promise.

So, I don't think I will bother all these immature, childish, obnoxious classmates. They are just a 5 year old child in the inside. God forgive and bless them.

There are a lot of questions but the answers are not with me.

2009-09-11T16:38:00.003+08:00

True. There are a lot of questions but the answers are not with me. All the answers are with other people. I started thinking a lot of things today. My friend also asked me a lot of questions. But the thing is, I don't know the answer! That's the problem.

Well, all the questions are all about me. Why my class hate me so much? Why my friend hate me so much? Why was I the vice-president of my society? Why the guys in my society want me to be the vice-president? Why my best friend, Lacey*, dump me? Why did she end our friendship? Why everyone hate me, including my church youth?

But all I can say is, I don't know. All these question's answers are not with me. All the answers are with my classmates, my friend, my society members, Lacey and my church youth. I don't know the answers to all this questions.

I just feel so upset and dejected. Why does everyone hate me? Whatever did I do wrong? What have I done to earn all this? Why why why? All the answers to all this questions are not with me nor the friend who asked me all these questions. Will all these questions be answered in time? Or will they be left unanswered for the rest of my life?

*Name changed to protect the person.

I still couldn't get over the surprise and shock. Sorry, people.

2009-09-05T21:00:00.002+08:00

I am so very sorry to you all. I still can't get over the shock and surprise. Something new happen today. The girl behind me was... wow.. Wonder what happened to her. Brainwashed? Eat wrong medicine? I don't know.

What happened today was, I was almost late to school today. My driver was late. But I got to school in time. Whew. That was a relieve. What shock me the most was, she actually asked me why I was so late. I was so shock because she was concern about why I was so late. Hmm.. What does that mean?

Next, before the bell rings to signal recess is over, she suddenly ran back to class, and drag me to the toilet. Just to accompany her. Look carefully. She drag ME to the toilet just to ACCOMPANY HER. Hello!! This is just shocking and surprise.

Then, before our PE class, it was English class. We had a storybook list from Scholastic Book Club. There was this storybook called Ink Death. It was the 3rd book of Ink Heart trilogy. 1st one is Ink Heart. 2nd one is Ink Spell. After class, as we were preparing to go to PE class, she ran back to our class and yelled my name and pointed the book list to me. I was taken by surprise yet again. Then, SHE ASKED ME TO BORROW HER MY INK HEART. Can you believe it? Wow. Since when I was in her friendship list again? I thought she kicked me out a long time ago. Only friends ask friends to borrow book, right?

Oh ya. Before I forget, she borrow my Maths homework from me again. Oh well. I guess that's all for today. Of course I am happy. I really am. As I said, I will treat her as my friend even if she does not want to talk to me anymore. But I will can't help feeling surprise and shock. After ignoring me for so long, suddenly she start talking to me and suddenly so good to me. I just can't help feeling suspicious.

After being hurt deeply by her words, I really don't dare to trust her or anyone anymore. I began to understand that people cannot really be trusted. Only my own family members can be trusted. I just couldn't help feeling cautious and suspicious. What does she wants? What does all this mean? Is she using me as a tool only? Is there a motive behind all this? I don't know. All these questions will have to leave unanswered until I find out more about all this 'sudden friendliness". So long!

Another shocking news. Again.

2009-09-04T17:02:00.002+08:00

Whoa. I am really very shock and surprise again. I just can't get over it. The girl behind me talked to me again. Not only that. In Chinese class, we were suppose to switch books to mark each others work. The person sitting beside me is absent. So I thought I will mark my own work. Who knows she tap my chair and change books with me willingly. I repeat. SHE change books with ME WILLINGLY. Wow.

Next, at Sejarah class, teacher ask us to do some question. As I was doing with my friend, to my utter astonishment, she rush up from behind me, sit beside me and ask me how to do. I haven't been this close to her since we fought. Let me say it one more time. SHE rush up behind ME, SIT beside ME and ask ME how to do. Wow.

Then, today, there is this girl who is very good with her, but loathe me, suddenly pass notes with me. She just want to ask me some questions. But I was pretty surprise and shock. And I also smell a rat. Anyway, this girl who LOATHE me, PASS NOTES with ME. Still, I don't trust her enough to answer her question directly.

I thought the girl behind me doesn't want to be my friend anymore. I see she is happier now than last time when she was with me. I blame myself for this. I am just a boring person. Whatever I do just isn't right. I don't blame her for dumping me. But one thing she doesn't knows is how much her words alone hurt me deep. Until now, I still cannot get over it. So this is why I am so surprise and shock when she talk to me again.

I bet you all are very sick and tired of reading all this. You all might think I am an idiot to write all this stuff. But to tell you all the truth, I am no idiot. I am just going gaga. That's all. What I don't understand is, does she have a motive behind all this? What does she wants? Why suddenly so good to me after goodness knows how long of ignoring me? Of course I am happy. But I still cannot get over the shock and surprise. Also, I cannot help being suspicious. After being hurt by her, I have to be caution. I am sorry to say that I am suspicious of her. I remembered saying that I will always treat her as a friend even if she doesn't want to talk to me again. But, I just can't help being suspicious.

We shall see what will happen tomorrow. I wonder if I can ever get over this shock and surprise. Also, can I ever get over the hurt that was left behind by her? Good question. I guess only time can tell.

Shocking news again.

2009-09-03T17:34:00.003+08:00

Okay. The girl behind me talked to me again. Not just only talked to me, she even borrow my Maths homework to copy. Look properly. Ask ME to borrow her MY Maths homework. I cannot believe it.

I thought she never want to talk to me again after our don't-know-about-what argument.. I thought she dump me for good. I thought she hates me. I thought she doesn't want to be my friend anymore. I never expected her to talk to me again until, well, I don't know. But she did. She passed notes with me, ask me to borrow her my Maths homework. Unbelievable. But it happened.

I guess that's all. Me and one of my friend, Abi, are going to start a CF in our school. We know it will be hard but we want to do it. We are going to make this group sort of like a support and guidance group for the students that need help. Of course, we will share the gospel and everything. But at the same time, we will also share our problems so that we can pray for each other.

I am seen a lot of students that really need help, support and guidance, including me. So, I am just so glad there is going to be a CF* starting soon. But, I guess me and Abi don't have a choice. Both of us will have to be the leaders of the CF since we both started it. This November, I hope Abi and Tracy, another friend, can accompany me to this leaders camp in Seremban for teens age 13 to 18. The 3 of use will have to lead this group. I really pray that God will help me in this.

Friends, if you want to join in, please let me know. The time and which day can be discuss. Haven't set a day for it yet. Please, join in. It will be fun and you will have a really great time. I promise.

*CF: Christian Fellowship. A group of Christian (non-Christian is very welcome) get together to worship and praise our God, pray about out problems, share the gospel and have fun with each other. It will bring us closer together and help other students that are non-Christian.

Whoa.. Big news and shocking things.

2009-09-02T18:25:00.002+08:00

First of all the shocking news, the girl behind me suddenly talked to me. Listen carefully. She TALKED to me. Shocking. I bet lots of people are very confuse. She not only TALKED to me, she even pass notes with me for 1 whole period of class today. Look carefully. PASS NOTES with ME. Shocking, again. Why?

I bet some of you know both of us fight over... what? I don't know. I forgot why we fought and for what. But we fought. I thought she will never talk to me again and she dump me for good. Oh well. We have not spoken to each other for, like, a month or 2 already. Or was it barely 1 month? Don't know. All I know is it was a long time we did not talk to each other. Then, suddenly, she talked to me and even pass notes with me. I was pretty shock.

Next big and shocking news. I have a friend. She likes this boy since, like, last year until now. Then, this boy don't like her and just treated her like a good friend. This boy recently has a girlfriend. Shocking. Let me tell you something. This boy, his results sucks, when he talks to girls, he practically insults them, etc etc. Not that I am saying bad things behind this boy's back. But it is the truth. I found it hard to believe my friend will fall for a boy like him. Also, I found it hard to believe he has a girlfriend. Oh well.

Last big and shocking news. My friend is heartbroken. She cried and was so upset and heartbroken. I understand her feelings. Actually, I knew beforehand about this news but kept it from her. Who knows she knows before me. I knew she will know about this. But I thought it will be later. Who knows right after I know not long, she came and told me about it. I wasn't prepared to consoled and counsel her. When she told me, I was pretty shock and don't know what to say. Next time, I will always prepared myself for the worst to come. Truly, I will. I was just plain careless this time.

So, I did my best to consoled and counsel her. I am so taking her to the counseling teacher tomorrow. Well, that's all for today's big news and shocking things. Thank you for reading. =D Have a nice day!

1 down, 3 more to go.

2009-08-30T15:55:00.002+08:00

Ah. PMR Trials finish already. Now, left Graduation Exam, PMR and UEC. I felt so tired. So sick and tired of exams and pressure from my teachers. I really hate Junior 3 life. No freedom, no fun, no nothing. Even my family keep telling me to study, study, study. I mean, hello, still a human here. Need to rest, you know.

Yesterday, one of my church members told me she come here to read my blog post. I was really very shock and a little embarrassed. I have no idea she will come and read my blog. Now, she knows all my embarrassing things. Oh well, I got nothing to say.

Also, I went to a piano competition yesterday. Man, I sucks like mad. It was so cold in the room, I was so nervous, my fingers got numb and harden, I played wrong. The first song was a fast song. I play a lot of wrong notes cause my fingers cannot move fast. The second song was a slow one. But towards the end, I suddenly forgot and have to repeat a few bars only I can remember. Whoa. It sucks. Got a scolding from my father. Oh well, I deserve it, I guess.

Today, me and my sister went to have lunch with our youth. Well, the elders of our youth. My sister was like, you should go with the younger ones. You are young. Go with the youth that are your age rank. If I got a choice, I won't want to go with them. I rather bored to death with the elders than to be with them.

There are 2 reasons. If I follow them, I don't have transportation home. Who in the world is going to fetch me home? No one. So, follow sister. Next, just thinking of eating with them send shivers down my spine. I think they are too sophisticated for me. Our thinking and everything are quite different. Not that I haven't tried to be with them. But, if I follow them, I think I will died of boredom.

Plus, I think I am not really very welcome in their group. They hate me. And I don't know why. They always say things behind my back. That's all I know. I was and still am pretty hurt by their words sometimes. What they talk about and do are not my interest and most of the time, I have no idea what they are talking about. When I am with them, they seems to forget my existence and ignore me totally. What can I say? Nothing.

So, I rather go out with the elders than to be with them. At least, when I am with the elders, I sometimes still get to talk with them. The elders are a pretty fun gang to hang out with. Lots of things I learn is from their conversations. So, that's all for today. Have a happy day, people!

A story 2.

2009-08-21T17:14:00.002+08:00

I was watching e-challenge final in my school a couple of days ago. Is only open for seniors. So, next year, it will so be my turn. So, I have this story in mind. What will be you all's opinion?

Title: Hin Hua's version of Romeo and Juliet.
There was once 2 buddies name Romeo and William. Romeo is the only child of a very rich man who owned a company. Whereas William come from a poor family without a father. He have a mother and a younger sister named Juliet.

When Romeo and William finish school, both of them went to Romeo's father's company to work. It is great to work with your best buddy. One day, there is a ball in Romeo's house to celebrate Romeo's mother's birthday. William and Juliet are invited. When Romeo saw Juliet for the first time, he fall in love with Juliet. Juliet also fall in love with Romeo.

Romeo ask Juliet for a dance. They start to sing Can I Have This Dance (from High School Musical 3) while dancing. They really love each other and start dating. Of course William approve. He is glad that his younger sister love his best buddy.

But something happen. Romeo did something wrong in the company and blame it on William. As a result, William is being fired. He was so hurt and upset. He hated Romeo for this. He want his sister to dump Romeo for good. Juliet didn't want to. She love Romeo and want to marry him. William disagree with this.

Later, Romeo's father found out what really happen and scold Romeo for it. He let William work again in his company. Romeo couldn't take the pressure anymore. Juliet told Romeo how William disapprove their relationship. They decided to run away.

That night, Juliet run into Romeo's house to meet Romeo. When they are about to go out the door, Romeo's father appear, asking where is he going. Then, William and his mother came in too and ask Juliet where is she going. Before they could answer, William's mother saw Romeo's father and stared to scream. Romeo's father was shock too when he saw William's mother. The 3 youth stood in the middle of all this, confuse. Then, William's mother told Juliet she cannot marry Romeo because he is her half-brother. Juliet couldn't take it anymore. She ran out of the room, sobbing and screaming. Romeo chase after her, shouting her name.

William is so shock. That bad guy is related to him? No, no. He falls to the ground, shock. Then, Romeo's mother came out to see what is the matter. William's mother told her the story. It was a long time ago, Romeo's father and William's mother were husband and wife. Suddenly, Romeo's father disappear and never return again. Romeo's mother is so disgusted and slap her husband and run out. William think of his sister and together with him mother, ran out to find her.

At the mean time, Juliet is alone in a very beautiful place. So quiet and peaceful. In her hand, she holds a knife. Just then, Romeo ran in and shout to her. But she did not listen. She killed herself. Romeo caught her just in time before she falls to the ground. Before she dies, she touch her face and ask him to forgive William and be good friends again and said she loves him. Then, she died. Romeo was sobbing over Juliet's body when William and his mother ran in. His mother started sobbing when she saw Juliet dead. William snatch his sister's dead body from Romeo and shouted at Romeo. Suddenly, a voice said enough. They look towards the sound and was a person stand there in a black rob. The voice ask them to follow her. They did with William carrying Juliet's dead body.

They came into a room. The person take down the hood. It is a girl. She walked towards a man in a long white rob and said she has taken them here. He turn and introduce himself as the God of Peace. He has seen what happen and is willing to give back Juliet's life. But they have to promise that they will forgive each other and live happily and in peace. They promise. Soon, Juliet's eyes open and reach for Romeo. He took her in her arms and cry tears of happiness.

Of course William forgive Romeo and William's mother forgive Romeo's father and Romeo's mother forgive Romeo's father. They live happily as one big family. Even though Romeo and Juliet cannot get marry, but they are contant with their live now as brother and sister. They love each other dearly. The end.

So friends. what to you think? It is just an idea. Nothing much. I need as much opinion as possible. Please leave me a comment, people! Thanks!

My big brother, Joash.

2009-08-19T20:13:00.003+08:00

Everyone is being very curious. Nobody have ever heard me mention of a big brother. Now, I am going to explain this. Since I always talked about my family members, everyone knows about my family. But I never talk about this big brother. Just one exception. It begin on 2008, I think...

The first time we met is in our church youth center's grand opening ceremony. I remember him walking my way and introducing himself. That time, I wasn't feeling very well, so I just said hi and my name and done. My first impression of him is wow, he is a pretty friendly guy. Pretty handsome too. (koko, don't fly up in the air when you see this, okay?) After that, we became friends.

I remember calling him name wrong. I called him Joel instead of Joash. Ops. My fault. Then, he called wrong my name. Actually, he pronounce it wrong. Plus, he yelled it from a very far distance and everyone heard it. Oh, my God. I was furious. But then, 1 on 1. We are even.

He is not very tall. About 160 to 170 cm? He wears glasses. 6 years older than me. Got a very big mouth that often gets him in trouble. He have a very good temper. Good humor. Smart and talented. Youth group leader. He is left-handed. He is studying medical now. Very caring and kind and gentle. Gives you a big bunch of advise which is very useful. Very loving and funny. I admire him a lot. He is cool and great. Okay, fine. He is handsome too. (as I said, don't fly up in the air when you see this.)

How did we became brother and sister? Mind, people. We have absolutely no blood relations or whatsoever. We came from 2 very different families. It was actually a very childish request by me. He wanted to address me by my family name. Only my family members are allowed to call me that. I said fine, but he will have to become my big brother first. He agreed. So, we became brother and sister. Weird, huh?

He is the kindest, gentlest big brother in the whole wide world. He takes good care of me. Though we only see each other once or twice a week, but we have a great relationship. He always support and encourage me with a lot of things. He also often give me advise on a lot of things. He knows a lot about me. There are some things I did not tell him but he knows. Guess he read my blog. I know he is a very busy person and hardly have time for me. But, deep in my heart, I know he will always be there for me. He is and always will be the best big brother I ever have. Even though we have no blood relations, we are still every close. Well, not every close but close enough. I want to say is, I love you, big brother. Always and forever will love you. You are the best big bro in the whole wide world. Thank you for everything, big bro. I love you! :)

Exam finish!!! But......

2009-08-17T18:53:00.002+08:00

Yow!!! Exam finish!!! But, PMR trails is next Monday. =.= But this time, exam also no feeling already. We, Junior 3, have already been antidote already. No rasa already. We exam until no more feeling already. So you all can see how bad it is.

After a week of lack of sleep, I felt like someone is taking a hammer and pounding my head. My eyes is like a panda's and I look horrible. Today, I am going to hit the sack early. So tired and brain overloaded.

We will be having exams until end of October. All together is 5. 1 have finish. The next one is next week. 3 more to go. God bless me. :-)

I am really looking forward for end of October. I am already planing what to do after all the exams. But first, got to focus on my studies. Sometimes, it is just so hard. Sometimes, you just want to throw the books away and just have some fun. That's what teenagers are suppose to do. Have fun! But, no, we can't. Well, this is just temporary. After UEC, is paradise!! I must add oil!!! Add Oil, Ethel!! Add Oil!!

I must stay strong until the end. My friends, you all must too. Lets us all do it together. (okay.. maybe lack of sleep make me went bonkers already..) Good luck, people!!

Happy 15th birthday to........ Me!!

2009-08-15T20:01:00.007+08:00

Yup. Today is my birthday. I so don't want to tell everyone about this. But the purpose of posting this blog is I want to thank all my friends that remembered my birthday and wished me a very happy birthday.

I thank you all my family and friends that gave me presents and wished me a very happy birthday. The people are my family, my big brother Joash, Jocelyn, Elaine, Abi, Hui Shih, 瑞泰, Yi Shien, Tse Wei, my church youth group and many other people. Thank you so much for making this birthday such a memorial birthday.

Actually, now is exam time. I thought I won't be able to go to my church youth meeting. Who knows my mother want me to go. Plus my 2 group leaders keep begging me to go too. They say the sketch need my help. So I went. When the meeting is coming to an end, suddenly all the lights when off and my 2 group leaders came into the hall, taking a birthday cake. On top wrote "Happy Birthday, Ethel! We love you!" That was so sweet. Everyone stand up and sang happy birthday song to me. I was so touch, surprise and shock. Thanks, everyone! Love ya guys so much!

Later, I met my big brother Joash outside the church hall. He gave me a big bear hug and wished me a very happy birthday. Thanks, big bro! Thank you for taking care of me and looking after me so well. You are the best big bro in the whole wide world! I felt so lucky to have you as my big bro. You will always be my best big bro forever. Thank you for everything, big bro. I love you, big bro. Always and forever.

My parents treated me to a fabulous dinner tonight. It was fun. I felt so lucky to have such a big bunch of loving and caring people around me. I also want to thank my father, mother and sisters for their love and care. Thank you are teaching me all I need to know. The person I am today is my family's teaching, caring and love. Thank you, daddy, mommy and my 2 lovely, gentle sisters. I love you all!

Also thank you, my friends for you all's encouragement and support. Thank you for all the standing with me no matter what happens. Thank you all the fun and care and love you all gave me. Thank you, my friends. I will forever love you all!

I have always kept my birthday date a secret from a lot of people. Well, I am a little weird. Still, thank you, my family and friends!

This is the best day of my life. Time flies so fast. I am 15 years old already! So fast! Wow.. Time really flies when you are busy and having fun. Well, again, thank you everyone, for making my birthday such a memorial memory. I love you all!

A break from exams. Groan~~

2009-08-13T11:53:00.003+08:00

Whoa. 2 days of exams really kill me already. Almost fainted in my own house on Tuesday night. Maybe not enough sleep and my brain cells are dead so I was so dizzy and couldn't walk a straight line. Well, after a good night sleep yesterday, I felt refresh and ready to take on anything and everything. Maths tomorrow and Malay and Geography on Saturday. Must prepare enough bullets to shot down all those enemy questions. Ha!

I suffered a terrible heartbreak last week. Don't worry, people. Is nothing about boys. =.= No boys included in this. I recently learn a song from church. It is this song that help me survive this terrible heartbreak and make me whole again. I am able to live happily and felt so comforted for my other friends that stand with me the whole way. But the person that heal me and help me most is Jesus Christ. Thanks to Him, I was healed and am very happy now. I am going to type out this song here. This song teach me a lot of things. It teach me how to love, forgive and trust in Him. People, even if some of you are not christian, I also hope this song will help you in your daily live.

《我们爱（让世界不一样）》
你和我是天父爱的创造，每个人有最美的梦想；
一路上披此照亮，扶持拥抱，我们的爱让世界不一样。
我们爱，因神先爱我们；
虽你我不一样，我们一路唱，走往祝福的方向。
我们爱，因神先爱我们；
心在坚强也不要独自飞翔，
只要微笑，只要原谅，
有你爱的地方就是天堂。

The words in green is the line I love the most. It is so true. Well, I forgive those people who had hurt me in the pass. I love all my friends and family. I trust them all. Well, must go back and study. Good luck, friends! Add Oil!!

Piano practical exam.

2009-07-27T17:03:00.002+08:00

Saturday competition, today exam. 2 days straight did not go school. I am wondering how in the world am I going to catch up on my school work and everything. School's exam is coming and I got a lot of catch up work to do. Oh my, oh my. Somebody help me!!!

Okay, so, I had my piano practical exam. The examiner is a guy. 40 to 50 years old. Balding. Got a big tummy. But he had beautiful eyes. Blue, if i didn't remember wrong. Is so striking. Wow.

I got in, I was very nervous. We start with Scales. Guess what? I screwed up the most easy part. How stupid is that? Answer: plenty stupid. Ya. So, after Scales, is Exam Pieces. This I did not screw up. If I did, I will surely be killed by my piano teacher. After that is Aural. At first, it is pretty okay. He played a short melody, I sang. I look at the paper, as he played, I sing. Listen and say is it a perfect or imperfect cadets and is it in a major or minor mode. The last part is the place I screwed up. Again. It is answering question. I listen while he played a piece and he asked a very long question that I don't understand at all. In the end, I got to simply answer, and he was like, um.. okay.. thank you. Arugh!!! How embarrassing!! Next is Sight Reading. I played wrong 2 notes. Gah...

Well, he is a pretty good guy. Let's just hope he is also very good with my marks too. Please don't fail me. Please let me pass. If I failed, I really don't know how to continue living already. xD.. Just joking. Well, see you all tomorrow!

We won!

2009-07-26T16:47:00.004+08:00

Yeah! We won the Choral Speaking competition! Even though is just 3rd place, is better then nothing, right? I cannot believe it! First time go for Choral Speaking Competition, no experience, other international schools are so good, they are senior and we are juniors only, they have lots of experience and the competition is very big. But we still won! Let me tell you about yesterday.

The competition is held in Tenby School, Setia Alam and it is HUGE. When I say huge, I really mean it. It is sort of like a university. But one thing Hin Hua win them is that our auditorium is big and theirs are so small. It is a very beautiful place.

They start late. First is the Speech Competition. Got one student from my school participate. He is in Senior 1. He is not bad. Got the 3rd place too. Good for him. Next is our turn. We were the 3rd group to present. We were so nervous. The other schools are so good. We didn't think we stand a chance to win. But turns out we won. Guess we are lucky. Next is the Choir Competition. Let me tell you something. They are all so terrible. If my school choir team go and participate, the 1st prize will be ours and there is only 3 groups that participate. Get it? I cannot believe it. They have no SATB*, all out of tune and off key. I have to close my ears. It is so terrible.

After the competitions, we had our lunch. At there, I ate the world's most disgusting chicken rice. It is so disgusting. The chicken is not nicely arrange. Is like one heap of white stuff in the middle of the rice and they gave you some soup. The soup is also very disgusting. When you lift up the packet, you can see the pepper, ajilomoto at the bottom. I did not drink it. They also give you a packet of chili and sweet sauce. I pour all the chili and sweet sauce on my rice and chicken to help me eat it. So disgusting. Well, I don't have a choice.

After lunch, is prize giving ceremony. Before that, a Datuk gave a speech. Let me tell you one thing. He is worst then our school headmistress. He keep talking and talking and talking and is so boring. Finally, he got off-stage and the most nerve-wrecking moment came. When they announce our school won the 3rd prize, we went gaga. Then, somebody starting yelling our school cheer and we follow. It goes like this: Everywhere we go~ Everywhere we go~ People want to know~ People want to know~ Who we are~ Who we are~ We are the Hin Hua's~ We are the Hin Hua's~ H-I-N H-U-A Go~ HIN HUA! That's our school spirit cheer. Pretty cool, huh? And everybody in the auditorium clap and cheer us when we finish yelling our cheer. We were so happy!

When our bus reach school, in the bus we yell the cheer one time. When we get off the bus, we yell it a second time. When we were walking into our school, we yell it a 3rd time. When we walk into our school, we yell it the 4th time. Yup, we went bonkers already. We were just so happy that we got a prize after all our hard work.

Later, I went to Abi and Pei Yee's house. They are neighbor. Pei Yee also got participate in the competition. 祖忆 and Mandy also got come with us. We had McDonald's for lunch (they, not me. I ate.) and pizza for dinner. We chat about everything. Even though I don't really know 祖忆 and Mandy, they are pretty friendly and we talk like close friends. We went to our school band's concert together at night.

I had fun yesterday and was very happy. First time got for external competition and won a prize. Tomorrow is my practical piano exam. Wish me luck again, my friends. I am nervous again. Till here. See ya!

* SATB: S=Soprano, A=Alto, T=Tenor,B=Bass.

A story.

2009-07-24T20:25:00.003+08:00

I was listening to Michel Jackson's song today. Suddenly have a story in my head. I shall write it out now.

There was a family in Africa. Things was pretty bad there. This family have 10 kids and they are really very poor. They don't have enough to eat and the father don't know where to find food for his family. The weather was very hot and the earth was bake solid hard. Nothing can be grown there and water resource was getting low. All the lakes and ponds near by were drying up. What can be done?

The mother was depressed. How are they going to feed the kids? The whole village were going hungry. They can't plant anything and food was getting lesser and lesser everyday. All the kids were as thin as a sick. Some even have big tummies because of lack of food, nutrition and vitamins. The place they were staying is in a very terrible condition.

Soon, there were no more food in the village. Every bit of rice, bread, meat, vegetables were all eaten. The villager don't know what to do. Some of the younger kids because of hunger and bad health, they died.

Not long after that, war came. The condition in the village worsen. Little by little, the kids fall ill and died. Some died of sickness, some died of hunger. And the parents can do nothing about it. All they can do was sit there and watch their children died.

This family of 10 kids, 3 of the youngest one died of hunger already and the 7th child was seriously ill. But what can be done? The parents can do nothing. Suddenly, the enemy came to the village. They demand for food and water. The villagers can give nothing as they don't have anything themselves. The enemy became angry. They started shooting and a lot of people died.

The father of the family was one of the people that died that day. They 6 other kids stood there and watch their father died before their every eyes. They were horrified. Not one of them forget about this incident. Now, the mother have to do all the work. She was planing to sell some of her elder kids to become slaves.

One day, she took her 5 eldest children to the market. She sold them to a slave vendor. When the kids realize what their mother just did, they cried and yell and will not let her go. They rather died at home then to be sold to some foreign country to work as slave. Their mother shout at them to let her go and beat them until they finally let them go. Some of the workers have to held them back as their mother walk away, never turning her head back to look at them one last time.

Back home, the 7th child just died of sickness. Now left the 6th one. Soon, the hunger around the village became so bad the 6th kid also suffer from hunger. This little one cry day and night for food. But there were none. The mother often hit this little one for making so much noise. This little one did not survive long. This kid died of hunger.

Friends, this story tells us that we are living in luxury now. Please think of the kids that is suffering out there. We must help them as much as we can. Do not complain what we don't have, be happy with what we have. Thanks to Michel Jackson's Heal The World song, I am able to write this story to tell everyone that there are people suffering out there. People are dying and we need to make this world a better place to live in. Think of other people sometimes rather then yourself. We are a bunch of lucky kids. Help save the world and end world hunger, if we can. Enjoy this story and I hope this story touch your heart.

出校外比赛咯！

2009-07-24T19:49:00.002+08:00

哦。。有进步啦。。终于用华文blogging啦。。如果有写不好的话，多原谅。。本人很少用华文写作。。也比较会用英文表达。。看不懂就来问我吧。。哈哈。。

明天出校外比赛了。。很紧张，很怕。。听说别的学校所排出的学生是高中的。。而我们只是初中而已。。好怕哦。。我真的希望我们会得奖，来报答指导我们的老师，Miss Regina。。她花了很多的时间教我们。。她也是一位非常好的老师。。朋友们，要支持我们哦！

今天，英文中心主任，Madam Boo，让我们看我们星期二在高中周会的表演。。哇。。好烂哦。。也很下虽咧。。我们边看边笑。。笑我们自己多下虽。。哈哈。。希望我们明天不出丑就可以了啦。。

爸妈都出国了。。姐姐又出去了。。一个人在家。。感觉好孤单哦。。阵间家只有我一个人。。冷清清的。。安安静静的。。咳。。还好姐姐也会体谅。。买pizza给我当晚餐。。哈哈。。家里最近的pizza店是Domino's Pizza。。虽然我比较喜欢Pizza Hut的pizza，但，Domino's Pizza也不错啦。。呵呵。。

我放心了。。看到我其他的朋友都接受她，我放心了啦。。今天我们一同玩，一同笑，一同聊天。。看到她们跟她也有话题讲，我就放心啦。。希望往后的日子，我们可以在一起。。嘻嘻。。

External Competiton.

2009-07-22T11:31:00.003+08:00

This coming Saturday, I am going for an external competition!! Yahoo!! My first time going out for competition. So excited and nervous. I am going out for a Coral Speaking competition in Shah Alam. What is Coral Speaking? It is a group activity. The group must consist 25 person and above. As you speak, you have to add in some actions and sound effects. Other then that, your pronunciations and intonations have to be perfect. Plus, there must be a conductor in front and you mustn't simply move about. This is what we call Coral Speaking.

Yesterday, we have to go on stage during the SENIOR assembly to perform. In front of the SENIORS. Oh my God. I was in the second line. The third line go out first and the Seniors started making sounds like "ooohhh" and "ahhh". When is my line's turn to go out, it was louder then before (or maybe I was too self-consious but it is really louder). Possibly my society seniors spotted me. I was a tomato most of the time (which means I keep blushing).

Some of our actions and sound effects are pretty funny. Of course the Seniors laugh and we are not allow to laugh. So we have to keep choking back our laughter. It's not a very easy thing to do. We were pretty embarrased.

I was so relieve when we got off-stage. But we need to wait until all the speeches are finish only we can go. Boring. Plus the assembly hall is very cold. It rain the whole day yesterday and is very cold.

Well, I can't wait for the competition this Saturday. Wish me luck, my friends!

Racing after time.

2009-07-05T17:37:00.002+08:00

Wow. Is July. So fast. Next month is D-month. Whoa. Time flies when you are busy. Agree? So many things to study and so little time left. I feel very scare. I am scare to face exams again. I am afraid to see the result after it. I am afraid I will be disappointed again. I am afraid of everything. I am afraid of reality. Too harsh. Too dark. Too unpredictable.

Maybe my mom is right. She pampered me too much. This makes me afraid to face reality. Always don't know how to solve my own problems. Always to weak to face reality. I always have to shake myself awake and tell myself this is not a fairy tale world. This is the reality. Everybody is racing after time. No matter is student or adult.

Soon, it will be August. Will I be able to face the 3 big exams and pass with flying colors? Or will I fail at least 1 subject again? I don't know. I pray God will help me go through this 3 months of exams.

I don't want this holiday to end.

2009-06-09T12:45:00.003+08:00

Who likes holidays to end? No one. I don't want this holiday to end because after this holiday, there is going to be a very hectic studying to do. Preparing for examinations. I don't like being pressured. I don't like examinations. In fact, I am scared of examinations. I cannot bear to see myself fail again. After 1 and a half year of seeing myself fail, I really don't want to go for another examinations again. Phobia, I call it. Examination phobia.

August to October. 3 months of examination. I am really scared. I cannot stand seeing the disappointment of my family. I cannot stand the crashing grief again. I cannot stand feeling my hope fall again. Every time I tell myself I will pass all my subject, I can pass it all but I will still fail. The grief is too much. Overpowering. I don't want my friends to be worry about me. I don't want my family to think I am weak.

Is just too much. The homework load. The piles of text book waiting for me. Too much things to do and so little time. How much longer can I hold myself together? How much longer before I go insane? How much longer before I break into pieces? Can I stand seeing the red mark on my report card again? I really don't know.

Somewhat, holidays will have to come to an end. I cannot escape from reality. Time goes by. Examinations cannot be escape. I just got to learn to bear with it.

Lost. Gone. Forever and ever.

2009-05-27T20:18:00.002+08:00

My precious storybook and my friend's storybook stolen. Gone. Lost. Forever and ever. I cannot believe it. I just put it in my school's canteen and it was stolen yesterday. My storybook cost me RM 80. Is a gift for my second sister. The title of the book is Eclipse. My friend's is Kira-Kira. I am very upset now. I know I can still buy back the book but don't have the priceless feeling anymore. I bought it purposely for my sister's 18th birthday gift. My eldest sister did offer to buy another one for me but I don't want. I want the original one. Is priceless and is hard covered too! I love that book so much. Plus, I've lost my friend's book. I don't know how to return it to her. She said her cousin sister gave it to her. Again, it is priceless and cannot be replaced. I wonder who is that thief. How dare that person steal my books. I left my books at the canteen for 2 hours plus, came back, lost already. Stolen. I strapped it up with my text books and when I return, the book strapper is opened and my 2 storybooks is gone. The motive is so obvious. Steal. I am very upset and sad now. My priceless storybook and my friend's storybook. How am I going to return my friend's storybook? Even if I can have all the Eclipse in the world, it will not replace the one it is stolen from me. Because it is priceless. I love that book. Is the 3rd book of the Twilight Saga. Oh, I just wish the person will return it to me.

Chinese Independent School or Sekolah Menegah Kebangsaan?

2009-05-21T17:10:00.003+08:00

As some of you all know, I went into a sort of mental and emotional depression last week because of my results. Not to worry, I am back to normal. Turns out I did better then last time. Last time 3 failed. This time 2 failed. What I cannot believe is, I actually pass my Physics. Which I have never pass it before.

Now, my eldest sister, ask me whether I want to change school to Malay school, as my studies in Chinese school is not really getting better. Well, there are cons and pros in Chinese school and Malays school. Lets start with Chinese school.

In Chinese school, the cert we get can go overseas. More fun. Lots of activities. Co-curriculum got a lot. Learn lots of things beside what is in the textbooks. Being more inform about the word outside. Lot's of friends from Junior 1 to Senior 3. Lot's of competitions and all that.

But the bad thing is that, we cannot get into local university with our cert. Plus, the pressure is very big. Passing mark is 60, and the lessons each year is getting harder and harder. (this is stupid. of course get harder and harder la. or else get easier meh? haha.) Private collage cost a fortune for middle class family like mine. Unless I get scholarship, which is a little unlikely because I am just an average student.

In Malay school, the good thing is, the pressure is not very big. Not to say I look down on Malay schools. Is just that, passing in Malay school is a lot more easier then in Chinese school. With SPM or STPM cert, I will be able to get into local university. That way, my parents can save loads of money as local university is not that expensive.

The bad thing is, I may not be able to get use to the environment, the sudden change of language in all the subjects may be hard to get use. Plus, I will have to start all over again. Get use to the environment, get use to the language, make new friends, stuff like that. I am used to using Chinese to interact and not Malay. I seldom use Malay to speak.

Well, my sister said is my own decision. She told me to think about it carefully. I have always thought I will graduate in my own high school now. I never think I will ever switch school. Now, I have come to a junction of my life road and again, force to choose either one. Both roads are good. But which one is more suitable for me? Which one is the one I should be going?

My friends, help me. Please give me some advise. Should I continue my studies in my current high school? Or change school? Help me, please.

There will be only darkness for 2 weeks.

2009-05-03T18:26:00.002+08:00

Tomorrow is exam time. For 2 whole weeks, I will be very stress out and pressured. Let me just give a little warning here. I may be very bad tempered and easily angered. So, if I suddenly went mad at you, please forgive me. I will just under exam pressure. So, please take this in mind and just don't mind what I said. I don't mean what I said.

I am really very fed up with school. No more fun. Is, like, study study and study only and no more fun. All the teachers is going on and on about UEC, PMR, Graduation Examination. I really hate it. Does the numbers on the piece of paper mean so much? I really don't know.

Plus, my sisters are very pro. They get 70 marks and above when there are in Junior. I cannot believe. And, naturally, my parents expect me to be the same. But what is most disappointing is, I am not like them. I am not a pro. I sucks like mad and I flunk some subjects.

So, every time, when I flunk, my sisters will keep going on and on about how well they did last time and my parents will keep going on and on about why am I so bad and why am I not like my sisters. The truth is simple and easy. I AM NOT MY SISTERS!!! I AM ME AND THEY ARE THEY!!!

Oh well, I guess I just got to bear with it. Being the youngest have to bear lots of things. My friends, wish me luck in my exam! Thanks for understanding.

Frustrations and Tiredness.

2009-04-21T16:03:00.002+08:00

Art project. History project. Examinations. Homework. Theory. Practise piano. Piano practical examination. Mother's day presentation. Mom's gift. Worship practise. E-youth. Friendship problems. Emotional depression. Pressures. Stress. Depressions. etc etc... Too many things happen at one time. And no time to deal with it.

I was and am still very frustrated and depress. I have a History project due today. And I still haven't finish it yet. I can't find the right information for it. Examinations is in 2 weeks time. And I haven't have the time to prepare it yet. Loads of homeworks day after day. No time to practise piano. Friends blame me for things I did not do and thinks I am a rotten person. I haven't got the time to finish my mother's gift for Mother's day. I am suffering from emotional depression. I am very gloomy and I hated myself. Pressures on school work is much too big for me to handle.

I really don't know what to do. I was having a panic attack yesterday in front of the computer because I cannot finish my History project. I was crying everynight. I cannot seems to lift my sprits up. I am so hopeless.

School is very pressured now as examinations is coming. 3 major examinations at the end of this year. What am going to do??? Somebody help me!!

Tired. Freedom.

2009-04-17T17:49:00.003+08:00

She drag her tired body out of the bed. Is 4.30 am again. Half asleep, she walk to the toilet to wash up. Slowly, she woke up. In her mind, she is thinking about what classes she have today.

Let's see. I have PMR tuition class today. Gah... Again. Still got lots of projects to do. Will do it today after I come back from school. Oh ya. Piano class. Ops.. Did not practise my piano. Oh well.

Everyday is the same for her. Wake up, go school, come back, practise piano, do homework, sleep. This routine go again and again. No more fun in her life. Life is suppose to be fun. But not for her. She felt so tired of this life. She often wishes to disappear from this world. To never have to face all the homework load and pressure of exams.

Life for a teenager is suppose to be fun. I am so wishing I can disappear from this world right now. No more school work, no more having to wake up and 4.30 every morning. Wow. That will be so great!!

She is so tired. Tired of going over the same thing over and over again. She wishes for freedom. Free from all this things.

One day, I will never have to face reality again. One day, I can be free and do whatever I like. I will never have to do things over and over again. I am waiting for that day to come!!

I need you. I want you.

2009-04-12T15:29:00.002+08:00

Tears roll down her face. She have always felt so lonely. Today, she told her mom about her feeling. About how lonely she felt. Her mom doesn't seem to understand her. Her mom said: Honey, you don't feel lonely. I am always here. You only think you feel lonely. Actually you don't. Maybe is the age gap between you and your sisters. Try to talk to your sisters more. You shouldn't feel lonely. Your sisters never felt this way. Why should you feel this way too? I think you are just having wrong thoughts.

Now, alone in her bedroom, she have never felt so hurt before. She felt so emotionally hurt by her mom. From young, she seldom see her mom. Most of the time, she was in her grandparent's care. Her mom was too busy working. From the time she start to have memory, she never remembers being hug and kiss by her parents. She have never heard her parents telling her they love her. As she grow older, her grandparents move out. So, she was constantly alone at home.

Mom, dad, I don't want money. I don't want big house and pretty clothes. I want you. That's all. When I needed you most, where were you? Working. Have you ever sit down and listen to me? Have you ever know what I needed most? I need attention and love. I need you to be here always.

She felt empty inside. She felt neglected. She felt hurt by her parents. She felt lonely. So lonely.

I don't know what to do. I am not prepared to tell you. I am afraid I will cry all over again. It just went wrong. So wrong. They doesn't seem to understand me at all.

Her church's pastor's wife listen. The pastor's wife has been her second mom. Always listening and comforting her. The pastor's wife just open her arms and did not say anything at all. She fall into the pastor's wife's arms and started to cry softly. Gentle hands stroke her hair and held her tight while she sob quietly. After awhile, she stopped. She look at the pastor's wife, feeling a little awkward.

We will talk about this later when you are prepared, okay? Everything's find.

Smiling bravely, she nodded her head. Deep in her heart, she knows that someday, her parents will understand her. Mom, dad, I need you. I want you. I love you. No matter what, I love you.

After injection, sick.

2009-04-10T17:32:00.002+08:00

I had injection in school yesterday. You all know that. I did tell you all in the last post. About how the nurse stab me. About how painful it is. Well, I got sick this morning. Actually, it was around midnight. I felt cold and in the morning, I felt hot then cold. It turns out I got fever. 37.8 degrees. My sister is such a good sister. She got out of bed to make a cup of Milo for me and make me eat a piece of bread then eat medicine. After that, we went back to bed.

When we woke up, it was about 10 plus plus am. We got out of bed and watch some TV. Around 1 something, I started to have fever again. This time it is 37.2 degrees. My sister say need to go see a doctor. So we went. The doctor said is normal for some people to have fever after an injection. Actually, the doctor meant that my immune system is not good. Oh well. From young, my health is not really very good. Always sick and all that.

Anyway, I got back home eat lunch and eat medicine. Now, no more fever. Let's just hope tomorrow I will be able to go to school.

Injection? No! I say the nurse stab me.

2009-04-09T17:24:00.003+08:00

Today all Junior 3 have to have injection. Let me tell you something. It hurt worst then anything else. Ouch! I say the nurse just stab us with the stringy. So unprofessional. You all know how to use a knife to stab something, right? Well, the nurse use the same way to give us injection. Accept she was holding a stringy in her hand.

The nurse just stab the needle into our left arm, push the antibiotic in, and pull it out. No mercy is given. So, I am using only my right hand to type now. My left hand is too painful. Plus, I cannot use my left hand. The moment I use my left hand to do something, I will be in agony.

I will never ever have an injection again. If possible. I hate having injection and is too painful. Much too painful to bear. Too much agony. I hope there won't be any injection in the future. No more, please. I have enough.

Speech got prize.

2009-04-06T17:04:00.003+08:00

It was on March the 25, I think. I went for Elocution competition*. I have prepared for it for a long time. I was very nervous. I remember little of it. All I remember is that I worn a blazer and all the competitors look at me like I am from outer space. Later, I remember jumping in delight because I got into the finals. I remember having mixed feelings. Happiness and nervousness and anxiousness. That is all I remember.

It was on April the 2, I think. I went for Elocution competition finals. I remember this event clearly. I did not wear the blazer because I did not want to be the student from outer space again. I was very nervous because the competitors from Senior 1 was very strong. Soon, it was my turn. I got onstage, say what I got to say and leave. I thought I did pretty well. Even my friends said so. I waited anxiously for the results.

Today was the day the results came out. I was a little upset but at the same time, happy. I got a consolation prize. I actually thought I will get 3rd prize or something like that. But I got a consolation prize. Oh well. Is better then nothing. I am pretty glad that hard work will be rewarded with sweet success.

Same with exam results. You work hard, you will be rewarded. You lazy, you will be punished. I was half half. I guess I got to work harder next time.

* Elocution competition: Is a speech competition. You have only 3 to 4 minutes and you have to have very good pronunciation, intonation, expression and emotion.

Tears of sadness and regret.

2009-04-05T17:17:00.002+08:00

She is a very bright student in class. Very quiet and did all her homework nicely. No complains from her teachers. But I just don't understand why her results is so poor. That was the words of my teacher when my sister went to take my report card. That was what my mother said when I called her to tell her the news. Ethel, Ethel. What am I going to do with you? Do you want me to switch you to another school? Please la, put more effort in your studies. Ethel, I really don't understand you. My results are quite good when I was your age. You got to focus more on your studies, my dear. That was the words my sister told me.

Last year, my results was 9 subjects, 5 failed. This year, 9 subjects, 3 failed. I did better then last year, right? Nobody say anything about it. All they see is the failed 3 subjects. Yes, I know. I should have work harder. I regretted. I am smart. In fact, smarter then my sister. But I did not use it the correct way. I should have work harder to get all pass. My bad.

But what I am so disappointed is that nobody praise my for the passed 6 subjects. Not one word of praise. That night, I cried myself to sleep. Tears of sadness and regret pour from my eyes. I am trying hard. Really trying hard.

What I really want is someone to encourage me and support me. Not just yell at me. All I want is just a word of praise now and then to keep me going. I wonder is it so hard to say a word of praise. Or a word of encouragement and support. I really don't know.

I feel like a loser.

2009-03-30T19:12:00.003+08:00

Well, why do I feel like a loser? On Saturday, we have PE class and there is exam. We are suppose to run 10 rounds (and big ones) to get full marks. All we have is 20 minutes. I manage to run 9 rounds only. The feeling of losing is really overwhelming. Plus, I was so tired. I got home at 2 and go out to church at 3. I did not even have a rest! Then, right before worship practise there is this guy who is a very good friend of mine and my sister's. He is 21 this year. I told him about my exam and he started saying when he was young he ran 1.6 km using 6 minutes. I got so mad at him. I warned him not to brag. He did not listen. So, not my fault. But then he did say sorry. I, as a girl with a big heart, forgave him. My exam is another one. I got 3 subjects fail when my friend can get all pass. I really feel so dejected and so upset. Most of all, I feel like a total loser. I can almost imagin my friend saying behind my back that I am a loser. Is really very hard sometimes. At church, when people play the piano better then me, I will also feel like a loser too. Is, like, wow, they are so good and I am so not. I really feel very down these feel days. Feeling sad and feeling like a loser. A total loser. But of course I got to stand up again. Sucess comes after many falls. I agree with that. One day, I will find the strenght to stand up again. I will.

My Dream. Will it come true?

2009-03-20T09:27:00.002+08:00

Ever wonder why I called myself Psychologist Sunshine? Sunshine is my nickname. Warning number 1, do NOT call me Sunshine in public. Well, knowing you all are very smart, I don't need to explain what Psychologist mean. Yup, I want to become a psychologist when i grow up. Actually, only half my dream will come true. What does that mean? hm... Well, when I was young, I used to dream that I am wearing a white lab coat, a stethoscope around my neck, rushing down the hospital corridors, shouting orders to the nurses, people calling me Doctor Khoo. I think you all can see what is my childhood dream. Yes, a doctor. I still kept that dream in my heart. But when I started secondary school, I found out that I am not suitable to study Science. My Maths is not so good, my Physics is worst, my Chemistry is just okay but my Biology is very good. But I cannot make it into the Science stream with just good results in Biology. So that's why I could not fulfill my childhood dream. A dream I wanted so much to come true. Then, I realise that maybe my call is not at being a doctor that treats wounds on the body but a doctor that treats wounds on the emotions and feelings of a person. That is when I decided to become a psychologist. A psychologist still gets to wear a white lab coat but no stethoscope, no rushing down the corridors, no shouting orders to nurses but got people calling me Doctor Khoo. I found out that hospitals need psychologist and Malaysia don't have enough psychologist that works in hospitals. So, I guess I found my call. A psychologist. Thought only half my dream come true but is better then none, right? My friends, let me tell you something. Shoot for the shining star. Never give up. Okay?

Exam is over! For now.

2009-03-12T18:37:00.003+08:00

Hi everybody! I finally finish my exam. Well, not really finish yet. Still got more important exam coming up in the second semester. There are still more to come. UEC, PMR and Graduation Examination. You all may think why there are so many exams for me. Well, I study in Chinese Independent School. So is a little different from Malay School. When exam comes, I am very pressured. (who is not?) I will have nightmares at night, dreaming I failed all my exams. Then, I will not have enough sleep because I got to cramp as much knowledge as I can into my brain. Of course, I will prepare 2 weeks before the exam. But when is exam time, you really can't sleep well, knowing that the next day is exam. Well, the worst is yet to come. All I can do is start preparing now and wish myself all the best. What I am worried about is my Physics. Maybe some of you do not know. Yes, I start having Biology and Chemistry when I was in Junior 1 (Form 1) and add another Physics in Junior 2 (Form 2). Physics is something you have to understand. Not something to memorise. Is a little tough for me as I am very bad in numbers. At least my Biology and Chemistry are all right. Plus, I love Biology. I feel very sad because next year, I will have to give up Biology. I got to choose between Science or Arts. I got to choose Arts. My Mathematics and Physics are very poor. So, I cannot go into Science. I guess I just got to self-study Biology. I will stop writting here. I will find another time to share with you all my ambition, hopes and dreams. Have a nice day!

Hello Everybody!

2009-03-11T12:07:00.002+08:00

Hello everyone! Welcome to my blog. I specially open this blog is because I want to share my memories and life stories with all my friends. In this blog, I will share my hopes, dreams, school happenings, problems, happy things, sad things, frustrating problems, everything here. Be sure to come and read whenever all of you can and leave a comment, advise, anything for me. But the sad thing is, I will never ever put any personal secrets here. I will share it with my friends personally. Not here. If I come and tell you some secrets, you are the lucky one. Because you are one of my trusted friends. Please feel free to read here and post comments. I love you all!